my s i l e n t r e v e r i e s

WHY?

2011-10-29T09:01:00.001-07:00

During my English Critical Thinking Class in college, Professor Mendez, my English teacher, handed each student a list of thoughts or statements written by other students then gave us a creative writing and critical thinking assignment based on one of those thoughts. At 19, I was beginning to wonder about many things, so I chose the statement, " WHY? I wonder why things are the way they are?"

That night, I sat staring at the paper. I wrote down in the form of a story all the questions that puzzled me about life. I brainstormed every nooks and cranny. I realized that many of them were hard to answer. In fact, too difficult to contemplate as I dug my brains out. And perhaps others couldn't be answered at all. There's just none. Even if I searched the encyclopedia or googled my way through it.

When I turned in my complicated paper, I was afraid that I might fail the assignment because I had not answered the question, "WHY? I wonder why things are the way they are?" I had no answers. I had only written questions.

The next day, Professor Mendez, called me to the front of the class and asked me to read my story for the other students. He handed me my paper. And he sat down in the back of the room. The class became quiet as I began to read my story.And I was nervous as I hated speaking in public.

Mama, Papa.....Why?

Mama, why are the roses red?

Papa, why is the grass green and the sky blue?

Why does a spider have a web and not a house?

Mama, why do I need to read my notebooks cover to cover?

Papa, why can't I play with my friends after lunch?

Mama, why do I have to read and NOT watch TV?

Mama, why can't I go to the dance?

Papa, why can't I stay out until 12:00? The other kids can.

Papa, why do I have to learn all these house chores again?

Papa, why don't the boys like me?

Why do I have to be so chubby?

Why do I have to be so brave and be tough?

Why do I have to learn to mature??

Mama, why do I have to graduate?

Papa, why do I have to learn too much?

Mama, why did you to go abroad and have to leave?

Mama, why don't you write more often?Or call me every day at least?

Papa, why do I need to memorize these tasks and recipes by heart?

Papa, why do I miss my old friends?

Papa, why do you love me so much?

Papa, why do you spoil me? Your little girl is growing up.

Mom, why don't you visit?I miss you teaching me.

Mama, why is it hard to leave Philippines and make new friends?

Mama, why do I miss my old country?

Papa, why does my heart skip a beat when that boy looks in my eyes?

Papa, , why do my legs tremble when I hear his voice?

Why is being "in love" the greatest feeling in the world?

Why do I wait for his call?

Why do I miss him?

Why do I feel that day?

Boy, why do they have to leave?

Boy, why do you make me fall and then leave?

Lord, why do you make go though all these?

Lord, why make me happy and make me sad?

Why does my face show every smile that I have ever given to a friend or a stranger?

Why do older people's hair glisten a shiny silver?

Why does Papa's hands quiver when he bends to pick up something?

Why does Mama's skin show memories from her wrinkles?

Why, God, are the roses red?

Why, Lord are the grass are green and the sky is blue?

Why the rainbows come in all hues?

Why the sun shines at the dawn?

Why?

Why? Oh Why?

At the conclusion of my story, my eyes locked with Professor Mendez's eyes. In his fogged up, thick glasses, I stared at him. And all I saw was a small peck of tear slowly sliding down his cheek. He wiped it so quickly and so instantly as if I never noticed it. But I did. I stayed quiet. I stared down and went back to my seat shyly.

I just sat there. Puzzled. Confused whether I passed or fail. A week after, I got the paper back. With a marked red ink on the front page that printed, "A+." And a note in the back of my paper, "Eloquent,,contemplative.very touching, very inspring. As a professor, papers like these are the reason why I became an English professor. Thank you. [ Signed.] E. Mendez." He also gave me an A for the semester and a letter of recommendation for the Dean's Scholarship and for the acceptance letter for the higheest recommendation for the top universities and their Nursing programs.

I sat there again. But in awe, this time. I smiled in silent. "Why?" I still asked. I wish I can ask him. But I did not have the guts to do it. Why? Never mind. It was then that I realized that life is not always based on the answers we receive, but also on the questions that we ask.

Notice Me

2011-09-12T03:20:00.001-07:00

In my fattest, I was comfortable in my own skin despite the negative feedback I've heard. Yes, those were esteem damaging but I brushed it all off. Most of the time, I ignored as if I didn't hear. But I am also human and it was hurtful, nonetheless.
I always thought I was more than the physical of my body. I had substance: perhaps, a little wit, but even more, I was equipped with a big heart, a fighting spirit & a relentless faith in God.

Losing weight & in my tinniest, I still find it difficult to accept the ravishing and flattering compliments. But I'm learning. I need to constantly remind myself that shouldn't forget the old, thick me. The individual who stood out in a crowd because she has an awesome sense of humor that made everyone giggling abs laughing in their seats with her client self. The genuine one who might be tough on the outside but if you peeled her onion skin, she has a gentle heart of a giant.

Truth is, she's been there. She's still there. But now, that persona others failed to notice, the crowd finally saw she has a pretty face and an awesome body.

YOU GOTTA BE..

2011-08-10T15:40:00.000-07:00

I had a rough day today. I listen to this song when I'm trialed and tested. It's a little reminder for me to thread up, keep climbing, keep my head up and keep going no matter how tedious and difficult the journey is. I JUST GOTT'A BE ...

YOU GOTTA BE
by Des'ree
LISTEN HERE

Listen as your day unfolds

Challenge what the future holds

Try and keep your head up to the sky

Lovers, they may cause you tears

Go ahead release your fears

Stand up and be counted

Don't be ashamed to cry

You gotta be

You gotta be bad,

you gotta be bold

You gotta be wiser,

you gotta be hard

You gotta be tough,

you gotta be stronger

You gotta be cool,

you gotta be calm

You gotta stay together

All I know, all I know,

love will save the day

Herald what your mother said

Readin' the books your father read

Try to solve the puzzles in your own sweet time

Some may have more cash than you

Others take a different view

My oh my heh, hey

You gotta be bad,

you gotta be bold

You gotta be wiser,

you gotta be hard

You gotta be tough,

you gotta be stronger

You gotta be cool,

you gotta be calm

You gotta stay together

All I know, all I know,

love will save the day

Don't ask no questions,

it goes on without you

Leaving you behind

if you can't stand the pace

The world keeps on spinning

You can't stop it, if you try to

This time it's danger

staring you in the face

Oh oh oh

Remember Listen as your day unfolds

Challenge what the future holds

Try and keep your head up to the sky

Lovers, they may cause you tears

Go ahead release your fears

My oh my heh, hey, hey

You gotta be

You gotta be bad,

you gotta be bold

You gotta be wiser,

you gotta be hard

You gotta be tough,

you gotta be stronger

You gotta be cool,

you gotta be calm

You gotta stay together

All I know, all I know,

love will save the day

You gotta be bad,

you gotta be bold

You gotta be wiser,

you gotta be hard

You gotta be tough,

you gotta be stronger

You gotta be cool,

you gotta be calm

You gotta stay together

All I know, all I know,

love will save the day

Isama mo ako / đưa tôi với bạn /Take me with you

2011-07-26T19:43:00.000-07:00

Isama mo ako / đưa tôi với bạn /Take me with you

LISTEN HERE

Sa puso't isipan,

Nadaramang ikaw ang tanging pangarap ko

Maging sa panaginip ay palaging naiisip

Kailan kaya damdamin ko'y mababatid

Trong trái tim và tâm trí,

Cảm giác bạn chỉ ước mơ

Ngay cả trong những giấc mơ luôn luôn nghĩ

Vì vậy, khi tôi cảm thấy nhận thức

In the hearts and minds,

I fee your inmy dreams

Even in dreams I think of you

I wonder when you'll discover my thoughts.

Ang nais ko'y liparin

Ang kalawakan na sadya't iyong pinagmulan

Baka sakali na mapansin mo saglit man lamang

At ng malaman mo itong pagmamahal

Tôi nhặt mong muốn

Các thiên hà sadya't nguồn của bạn

Có lẽ bạn nên thông báo ít nhất một thời gian ngắn

Và bạn biết điều đó tình yêu

I picked up the desire to fly

The galaxy you are from

Can you notice me at least briefly

And you know this love

Isama mo ako sa daigdig mo na kay ganda

Nang di lang sa panaginip ay kapiling ka

Kung makikita mo nilalaman ng puso ko

Isang pagmamahal sadyang para lang sa'yo

Bao gồm tôi trong thế giới đó là tốt đẹp

Khi tôi chỉ ước mơ, là với bạn

Nếu bạn có thể xem nội dung của trái tim tôi

Một tình yêu Cô ấy cố ý Cuốn

Include me in the world that's beautiful

Not just in my dreams that I'm with you

If you can see the content of my heart

A love intentionally just for you.

Ang nais ko'y liparin

Ang kalawakan na sadya't iyong pinagmula

Baka sakali na mapansin mo saglit man lamang

At ng malaman mo itong pagmamahaL

Tôi nhặt mong muốn

Các thiên hà sadya't nguồn của bạn

Có lẽ bạn nên thông báo ít nhất một thời gian ngắn

Và bạn biết điều đó tình yêu

I picked up the desire to fly
The galaxy you are from
Can you notice me at least briefly
And you know this love

Isama mo ako sa daigdig mo na kay ganda

Nang di lang sa panaginip ay kapiling ka

Kung makikita mo nilalaman ng puso ko

Isang pagmamahal sadyang para lang sa'yo

Bao gồm tôi trong thế giới đó là tốt đẹp

Khi tôi chỉ ước mơ, là với bạn

Nếu bạn có thể xem nội dung của trái tim tôi

Một tình yêu Cô ấy cố ý Cuốn

Include me in the world that's beautiful
Not just in my dreams that I'm with you
If you can see the content of my heart
A love intentionally just for you.

At kung kailangan mo ng isang tunay na kaibigan

Para sa'yo ang puso ko ay laging bubuksan

Pag-ibig na nadarama'y hanggang sa kailanman

Tanging sa'yo ito'y aking ilalaan

Và nếu bạn cần một người bạn thật sự

Tôi tìm thấy nó với trái tim luôn luôn mở

Tình yêu bao giờ nadarama'y lên

Chỉ có tôi yêu nó được phân bổ

And if you need a true friend

for you my heart is always open

The love I feel is goes forever

It is only for you.

Isama mo ako sa daigdig mo na kay ganda

Nang di lang sa panaginip ay kapiling ka

Kung makikita mo nilalaman ng puso ko

Isang pagmamahal sadyang para lang sa'yo

Bao gồm tôi trong thế giới đó là tốt đẹp

Khi tôi chỉ ước mơ, là với bạn

Nếu bạn có thể xem nội dung của trái tim tôi

Một tình yêu Cô ấy cố ý Cuốn

Include me in the world that's beautiful
Not just in my dreams that I'm with you
If you can see the content of my heart
A love intentionally just for you.

The Ending.

2011-07-26T11:10:00.000-07:00

You were the only man I took to face God. On our first date, I took you to church and we bended our knee and said our prayers. You asked me what did I pray for then. I didn't answer you. I blurted a smile. But I said thank you to God for giving you to me. But the unsaid part was, I hope you are the man I will soon take to Him again to marry.

But life has taken everything away from me. Inluding you, God took the two most important man I love. I don't know the reason. I can not have explations. I wish I did. But I don't.

All are left are broken hearts. All that is left are tears to cry. I don't know what to do my heart. It will be numb again. It will be put back to the freezer and no one can ever melt this icy heart again.

I took the risk to love you and be with you four years ago because I was thinking you are 'the one.' Because I thought you are worthied. I didn't want to love again before. But you made me love you.

But now you have given up on love. You have given up on me. What's the use of me fighting for the love I feel for you when you have given up on me? While I will fight for what I feel for you until the last of my breath, you stopped holding my hand. You stopped the beating of my heart.

Where do I go from here? I don't know. I thought our story was to be continued. While I was hoping to wrtie more chapters, you already put our conclusions. I still don't understand. I will never understand.

But I will respect your decision. I will go away. I will leave. I will give you the ending you wanted. Not because I wanted to do it. But because this is what you wanted. I love you too much to hold you back from leaving me. This is love...letting you go because you wanted to.

This is the end, huh? This is our ending. And all I could say is I'm sorry. For the last time, I love you. Goodbye. I'll see you in my dreams

BOW THE KNEE

2011-07-24T19:25:00.000-07:00

The Wilshire United Methodist Church Filipino Ministry Chancel Choir sang this at church today. It was a conteplative and touching piece. I thought it would be inspiring to share it...here are the lyrics of you can see the youtube here.: www.youtube.com/watch?v=AVEr4GNz70U

BOW THE KNEE.

There are moments on our journey following the Lord

Where God illumines ev’ry step we take.

There are times when circumstances make perfect sense to us,

As we try to understand each move He makes.

When the path grows dim and our questions have no answers, turn to Him.

*Bow the knee;

Trust the heart of your Father when the answer goes beyond what you can see.

Bow the knee;

Lift your eyes toward heaven and believe the One who holds eternity.

And when you don’t understand the purpose of His plan,

In the presence of the King, bow the knee.

There are days when clouds surround us, and the rain begins to fall,

The cold and lonely winds won’t cease to blow.

And there seems to be no reason for the suffering we feel;

We are tempted to believe God does not know.

When the storms arise, don’t forget we live by faith and not by sight.

THEIR ANGEL

2011-07-07T23:38:00.000-07:00

his face was almond-shaped, almost oval.

his eyes were closed but chinky, chinesey and slanted.

he had no hair yet, but shaped like a conehead.

his nose are not as pointed but pugged and rounded on the sides.

his lips are luscious with small upper lip and bigger lower lips.

his color is a perfect mix of island tan and beige.

his tiny little fingers like him.

innocent...

as if asleep...

in his zen calm and peaceful haven.

he got almost everything from him.

he only acquired her rounded nose and her color.

other than that, he resembled him.

and him, he was the love of her life.

and every time, she looked at that man,

no doubt she sees him,

her little angel.

her little angel who joined God in heaven.

she gave him back to God.

she wanted and tell her little angel about God.

instead, God held him...

hopefully God will tell her angel about his mom and dad.

it's almost 40 days....

the most difficult, challenging, saddest 40 days...

since they last held him close to their arms...

since their last hug with him....

since they gazed at his angelic face,

since they are amazed by his short but sweet presence.

now, he is gone, back to the Father God who let them borrow him...

yet, there was no passing day that they have not thought of him.

his memories are always cherished.

he will always be loved.

he will will always be in their hearts.

their angel son.

Unsent: CHASING GAME

2011-07-06T14:55:00.000-07:00

Dear Boy,

I don't know what it is. It can be me and my anger, really. I just don't like people walking away. All my life, I am chasing people who walked away.

My mom needed to work abroad to make a living for us. She didn't walk away but she had to be away.

My dad always on his business. He had to make ends meet along with my mom's efforts. He, too, did not have enough time to be with us.

My older sister, 8 years older than I am, went away for college. and I am left with no one but to be with my siblings.

Ex. #1: Moved to Chicago. We can not make things work out. I thought he played me like a fool he claims he didn't. He's in Seattle now.

Ex#2: Hawaii boy. Cheated on me and got a girl pregnant while he was on vacation in the Philippines. His firstborn is named Gi-en. Get it? It was the initials of our first names G - him and N- me. He married the girl with a first name that starts with a B.

Ex#3: Korean boy. His family didn't like me because I was NOT Korean. It sucks really. He didn't like me physically but he used me. All of me.

Ex#4: Bestfriend. I just thought he like me. Even just a tiny bit. Well, he liked me all right. But he liked me with three several girls. I chased. I never looked back.

Then you came. You came at the time I did not want to look anymore. At the time, I had enough. At the time, I thought I could not love anymore.

And now, we are going through the most difficult time of our life. I am fighting to stay with you. And when you tell me you have to go, you have to leave...even just to leave me for a second when I just told you this is the time I needed you the most. I chased you. I am so upset yet, i chased to be with you.

All my life, I chased people and most of them walked away. I never returned. Even if they begged me to stay, I left them because they were not worth my time. They played and broke my heart.

Now, I chase you. With all my bleeding heart, my broken soul, and my recovering physical body, I chase you. I don't want you to walk away. For once, I fought for what I feel. For once, I cried for someone who are worth every single drop of my tears.

Despite the times I thought you walked away, you did not. You walked away so i can composed myself. You walked away so I can calm myself down. You walked away so you can return to me and talk to me peacefully. You walked away only to come back because I do feel that you love me.

I chase you...because I care.

I chase you...because in my strange and weird ways, I do love you.

I chase you... because you are worth it.

Please come back home to my heart.

I miss you.

Love,

PRINCESS

STATUS

2011-07-06T14:52:00.000-07:00

Status today: I'm trying to be more splendid and more extraordinary. I am using each enchanting second of this life to fill up myself up to the brim. Truth is, I have NOT change. I have just become MORE of myself. That is my lifetime goal: become more of myself to serve others.

Yesterday: I am not built to shrink down smaller into less. I am created to blossom into more. And I am going to let my light shine. Let it shine from WITHIN me first, so it can shine someone else's later. Life has taught me what we give comes back to us. In time, I know the blessings will bounce back its way to me. So help me, God.

The day before: I just realized whether it's my preference or not, LIFE has its own course of path. No matter how much I go against the norm, it will naturally travel its choice of route. Therefore, I don't need a GPS nor a map. I just gott'a roll with the punches, see and savor where the mysterious journey takes me.

July 2nd, 2011:Amidst life's gloomy days, I appreciate the brightness of sunny days. That children bible song I used to sing when I was a kid from Lamentations 3:22-23 comes to mind, "The steadfast LOVE of the LORD NEVER CEASES. His mercies NEVER come to an end. They are NEW every morning, NEW every morning.GREAT is Your faiithfulness."

If you can onl read between the lines. These are the stories of my life.

WHEN SHE CRIES...

2011-06-27T07:42:00.000-07:00

I was listening to this song while it was playing on the radio in the car and I started missing Dimsum. He hates it when I cry and tells me it irritates him. But it made me think about him because his "lectures" to me consisted of the lyrics. Thought I'd post the lyrics here.

WHEN SHE CRIES

(Restless heart)

The road I have travelled on

Is paved with good intentions

It's littered with broken dreams

That never quite came true

When all of my hopes were dying

Her love kept me trying

And she does her best to hide the pain

that she's been through

When she cries, at night

And she doesn't think that I can hear her

She tries, to hide all the fear she feels inside

So I pray, this time I can be the man that she deserves

'Cause I die a little each time

When she cries

She's always been there for me

Whenever I've fallen

When nobody else believed

She'd be there by my side

I don't know how she takes it

Just once I'd like to make it

Then there'll be tears of joy

That fill her loving eyes

When she cries, at night

And she doesn't think that I can hear her

She tries, to hide all the fear she feels inside

So I pray this time

I can be the man that she deserves

'Cause I die a little each time

When she cries

So I pray this time

I can be the man that she deserves'

Cause I die a little each time

When she cries

WITHOUT YOU....

2011-06-23T16:49:00.000-07:00

Today seemed nice as the sun shines so bright;

But without you,

I can't get a glimpse of the rays of light

Colorful flowers bloomed;

Green leaves sprouted on trees;

But without you,

it's black and white. there is no color.

Birds are chirping as they sing,

The air is breezy as the wind blows,

But without you,

it's quiet and soundless.

People are blissfully laughing.

Children in bliss playing.

But without you;

There's asence of happiness.

Time goes on, time is ticking...

Difficult days turns to sleepless nights..

Without you,

My life stands still. I am lost.

My heart aches.

I hold on to hope.

Without you.

I can't express. My feelings are empty and bare.

Adventures approaches.

Experience gained from our loss.

Without you...

But there is no meaning.

Chore lists are done.

Times are put in.

Without you,

there is no value.

Prayers are said.

God is begged.

I still wait.

I am still without you.

When all is said:

This life I dread;

Every day is difficult...

without you

LETTERS TO MY LOVE: missed call

2011-06-23T16:13:00.000-07:00

My dearest dimsum,

i slept early last night thinking you would not even bother to call so i put my cell on vibrate.

it's another night i forced myself to sleep.

surprisingly, i saw a missed call from you on my cell this morning.

did you missed me after all?

did you want to hear my voice?

did you need to know if i was doing fine?

i want to know..because i missed you, too.

Love,

"princess"

TWO CANDLES

2011-06-22T17:15:00.000-07:00

yesterday, i went to church and lit up two candles.

one for the love of my life, dimsum.

one for the loves of our lives who is now an angel in heaven.

i prayed for happiness for dimsum.

i prayed for peace for my angel.

how i wish i can just keep you both in my loving arms?

but i surrendered you both to God.

i know my Father God, Lord and Saviour will keep you safe and sound.

i lit two candles for the loves of my life.

i prayed for God to take my strife.

LETTERS TO MY LOVE: tears

2011-06-22T16:53:00.000-07:00

dear dimsum,

i have spent the last couple of days focusing on other things besides thinking of you. most of the time, i am successful at finishing the household chores and other tasks i have to attend to, or appointments to go to. but there are times when even i could not help it but keep you in my thoughts.

i find it so difficult to write this letter. we have agreed couple days ago that we'll have a little time off away from each other . this way, we can breathe. we can heal our pains. i am giving you that space so you can vent. but each day had passed, i missed you more.

i asked myself why does it have to be this way? i need you and yet, i can not have you there beside me right now. i want to be just there next you, caring for you and making sure you are fine, but we can not do that right now because we are dealing with mending ourselves and finding ourselves amidst the most difficult trial of our life.

truth is, i have not had a decent sleep since i last saw you. i still think about the last hug you gave me: short and sweet. i still think about the last time i gazed into your eyes and it is full of ache. i still think of looking back towards your direction as i walked away that early morning.

but i didn't. it was way too painful to look back and see the sadness in your eyes. besides, i did not want you to see the tears slowly falling from my eyes as i walked away from your car. you've seen me shed enough tears for the past few weeks.

i wanted to run back and hug you the second time. i wanted you to come after me and hold me once again and tell me it is going to be fine. i wanted you to hold my hand and not let me go. i wanted to but you did not. i did not want you to see me crying. nor to tell you that i was hurting. but i knew, you knew.

and so i walked away...even if it was the hardest thing for me to do. i walked away even if all i wanted to do was sit next to you. i walked away even if my heart stated stay. i waled away because that is what you wanted. and loving you is giving you what you wanted.

it has been days. and i've been nothing but miserable. my nights have grown colder. my phone is in silent. i've been forcing myself to sleep early to not accomodate any thoughts of you entering to my head. i wished i can drive to you and just see you but that would be breaking our deal.

so i sleep early. i force every chance to just close my eyes. because when i do, at least, i get to hold you there once again. i get to be in the warmth of your loving arms.

despite the space between us, i want you to know that i still wait patiently for the day when you can hold me again up close and personal.

i still love you. i always did. i still do.

please come back soon.

love always,
your princess

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO THE LOVE OF MY LIFE

2011-06-21T10:10:00.000-07:00

Being with Dimsum,

I realized that LOVE

does NOT consist in

gazing at each other's eyes

all the time.

He taught me that LOVE

is looking outward

TOGETHER

in the same direction.

For all that you have been...

For all that you are...

And for all you are yet to be....

I've fallen in love many times...

Always with you...

Chúc mừng sinh nhật! (HAPPY BIRTHDAY!),

my nhieu yeu (sweetheart).

Em yêu ahn nhieu lam (I love you very much).

TRUE ROMANCE

2011-06-14T14:22:00.000-07:00

TRUE ROMANCE
on Thursday, February 24, 2011 at 2:09pm
(song has been rewinding inmy head...thought i'd post it here. )

CLICK HERE TO HEAR MUSIC/ WATCH VIDEO/ SING ALONG =)

TRUE ROMANCE
sang by: Regine Velasquez
composed by: Janno Gibbs

Just one glance and I never had a chance
There and then I knew I'd fall in love with you
You should know you had me at hello.
I was Juliet and You're my Romeo

You're my super hero, save me from this sorrow
Sweep me off my feet and fly me away.
You are my McDreamy, You're my own McSteamy
Brad Pitt and George Clooney don't stand a chance.
You're my one and only true romance.

Just one kiss you swept me off my feet
And my heart was beating faster than it should.
Just one smile (just one smile) and it's like a carpet ride.
I can hear the song 'A whole new world' in you. (A whole new world)

You're my Beiber fever,
You're my Ashton Kutcher,
I'm going Lady Gaga (Papap parazzi) for you.

Oh....You are my McDreamy, You're my own McSteamy
Brad Pitt and George Clooney don't stand a chance.
You're my one and only true romance.

I'll be yours forever and a day.
I am here to stay.
You are my one true romance.

Loving you is easy.
Though it might sound cheesy.
I'm a girl just standing infront of a boy
Asking him to love her.
(When you say nothing at all)

You're my super hero, save me from this sorrow.
Sweep me off my feet and fly me away (fly me away)
You're my one and only true romance.

NEXT EPISODE

2011-06-14T14:14:00.000-07:00

What does NOT destroy me;

Only makes me STRONG-er.

I'm hanging by the moment.

I'm hanging by a thread.

But I'm existing.

It might be half-assed.

It might be half-baked.

It might seem merely.

It might seem empty.

It might be strange.

It might be complicated.

But I'm existing.

I might be quiet.

I might seem nostalgic.

Maybe a bit mysterious.

Mostly puzzled.

Semi-conscious.

Yet barely breathing.

But I'm existing.

I might be occupied.

More like excessively tired.

The barrel of tears I've cried.

Yet, I struggled and tried.

I am still living.

I'm existing.

I'm hanging by the moment.

I'm hanging by a thread.

I'm taking the hand of the man I love.

I'm holding on to my faith to God Above,

I am still living.

I 'm still existing.

This insanity is turning into a rage.

God...Just let me turn to the next page.

I need to forward each moment.

I can't bear with the torment.

I don't long to just exist.

I want to live.

I want to savor my existence.

God...Just help me carry this load.

Give me strength as I get to the next episode

BLANK PAGE

2011-06-14T14:05:00.000-07:00

I wish I can write it here...
All the rollercoaster of emotions...
All the absence of symptoms...
All the mixture of pain and joy...
All the aches of a loss...

I wish...
But I can't...

There are no words descriptive enough to describe it.
There are no images clear enough to showcase it.
There are no conclusions concrete enough to explain it.
There are no numbers accurate enough to sum it.
There are no scientific methods enough to summarize it.
There is NOTHING.

I wish...
But I just can't....

This might as well be a blank page.

THE SEWING MACHINE

2011-05-08T21:26:00.001-07:00

The sound of the rhythm circling metal wheels, the continuous swinging back and forth of her mother's feet amazed her. She held a cloth ssupported on a hollow, horizontal fixed arm, with a hole on the topside, which the needle projected through at the lowest part of its stroke. Inside the wooden table like frame armor was a hook that rotated each stroke in order to wrap the thread. It fed from the bobbin onto the hook around the needle at each stroke. The needle then carried the thread back through the cloth with the upward motion of its stroke. This formed the stitches that formed and binded every fiber of that cloth together. And that sound was coming from the power of the foot pedal as she watched her mother use her antique, wood and metal, sewing machine.

She gazed and heeded with eagle's eyes as her mom meticulously weave every intertwining yarn. The balance of connecting hoops after hoop amazed her. The seaming each precise complicated stitch creating a masterpiece in clothing enchanted her. With distinugished interest, she studied how her mother affix every fiber of that clothing turn into a beautiful commodity. Her patient mother was a master artist in sewing. And in her detectful curiosity, she beamed and watch her mom turn old, rugged, used clothes rejuvenate into revamped, perked up fashion of her mother's resourceful, artistic, hand-tailored hands.

As early as age five, she was a sewing enthusiast. Her mother found it surprisingly joyful that she has a keen interest in tailoring. None of her siblings actually found it more fascinating as she did. Her mother's tedious hardwork in producing such lovely garments from old recycled fabrics was magic to her. Sometimes, she would pay attention at how her mother fix and reattach ruined pieces of clothing of their neighbors and friends and after knot here and a loop there, she make it seem like new again.

She hailed from a tucked and isolated, quiet yet quintessential charming barrio away from the loud hustle and bustle of town life. It was an environment where modern amenities such as running water, electrical power are still absent. Food is somewhat scarce. The means of living lies predominantly in rural farming under the blazing heat of the sun. Life was obviously difficult. But it's even harder for humble, uneducated parents raised their brood out of nothing.

Daily diets consisted mostly of whatever is found available in the rice fields and the backyard. Mostly, freshly picked vegetables from the backyard or fresh fruits picked from their own tree or the neighbors. If there was a source of protein, it was either a chicken they raised themselves or caught fish from the nearby river, and little nuts here and there they see randomly on their way home from school or from helping their father from farming. And if there was, it was equally distributed in their growing flock. If you were one minute late from your meals, you lost the oppurtunity to get the best part of the chicken.

As her farmer dad worked in the rice fields, her stay at home mom took minimal tailoring jobs from neighbors and friends to help support the family. Often times, her mother spent countless hours fixing the damaged clothing. She makes every crooks and cranny old clothes look like the new distinctive fashion with endless and laborious tweaking. From her mother's tired hands, the lifeless dull fabrics becomes animated and lively works of art. All paid with minimal pay-off.

One time, she even asked her, "Mom, why do you spend so much hours, killing so much time out of the day to perfectly sew and repair each destroyed clothing from the neighbors and they only pay you a peso or two?" And her mom just look at her quietly, refraining from commenting negative. All her mom could say was, "It just like that. But it's okay. It is better than nothing." But it dismayed her because of the long toll of hours and attention to details entailed to that dressmaking was unrecognized. She feels as if her mother's efforts were not given significance from that one peso coin.

Many years after, she went to college, got married and she, too had her own children. She would teach them how her mother taught her how to sew and tailor. One time, one of her child told her about her interest in learning how to saw. On that child's birthday, she bought her the top of the line Singer electric powered sewing machine. Her child wondered why she nonhesitantly got it for her. But her child was thankful anyway. Basic by basic, she taught her how to run the basic sewing stitches, how to do the running stitches, sew a simple button on the pants, or even fix a broken zipper or patch a little hole. That gave her great joy.

I listened to her tell this story to a church mate this past weekend at the Women's Retreat. I secretly gaze at her as she relates her story and I see tears forming from her eyes. How difficult must it been to watch her mother go through that? I find it difficult hearing her tell that emotional story. You might wonder why.

That enthusiastic child who was saddened and strickened by the poverty and the selfish recognition of her mother's artful tailored creation is my dear mother, Mama Belen and that expert tailor was my grandmother, Lola Bekanf (Rebecca). And she bought me that expensive sewing machine on one of my previous birthdays.

I still have that sewing machine. But I will never look at it the same way. The sewing machine reminded my mother of her own mother. And now, I will remember my mother each time I stitch and sew any piece of clothing. My mother did not only taught me to sew and stitch a fabric, she also taught me how to sew and stitch my life, no matter how damage or destroyed, she always reminded me, I can always patch the hole, change the buttons, and make the ugly fabric be a revamped piece of clothing. Just like her own mother did.

Happy Mother's Day to my Mama Belen. This one's for you.=)

LETTER TO THE LOVE OF MY LIFE

2011-04-08T16:01:00.000-07:00

to the love of my life (dimsum),

you once told me you read this blog about my stories of love and brokenheartedness. you said, i really am in too deep when I am inlove. those were stories i wrote out of brokenheartedness. then i stopped writing after i met you. i've written stories about you here. but perhaps not as intense. why? because i was protecting you. I was protecting my privacy with you. Nonetheless, I was proud to tell the world hjow much i love you.

truth is, i don't know how to tell the world how much i love you. there is no love story greater than i had with you. you are, by far, God's greatest gift to me. You loved me at my very best and you understood me in my worst.

I know, it's not easy to love me. I am stubborn, opinionated, easily-angered, controlling individual. It was also hard to let anyone in my world because i have been betrayed so many times. I was scared to fall inlove because I was scared to be hurt again.

Then you came along. You melted my cold, icy heart. With you, i let my guard down and i let you in my heart. At that time, I thought I could not love anymore, you came along and taught me how to love again.

We had a little fall out three weeks ago. It was one of our most difficult misunderstanding ever. I was about to have a procedure the following day and all I thought was you. You have not checked on me that day when you usually do.

That was when I realized, I don't think I can survive a day without you. You've given rainbows to my dull, blank everydays. Suddenly, my days became empty. my days are painted in pitch dark black.

When I saw you, I just wanted to hold you close to me, to look into your eyes when you talk to me, to hold your hand, to feel your warmth of your hugs, to feel how much you loved me. And I see in your eyes, the void to look at me and the cold shivers from your hugs.

MPerhaps, it is my fault. I've been mean and angered and I said things that hurt your feelings. They might have pushed you away. I am trying so hard to win you back. I am trying so hard just to have a glimpse of you. I'm still trying.

I told you, until the last breath of my life, I will keep trying. I will try even if if takes me all of my lifetime. Why? Because I know this journey with you, to love you and be loved by you was worthied. I took the risk the first time. It has been three years and a half, I am willing to take that risk again.

I love you more than words wil ever say. But I hope you always forgive me for my mood swings, my inconsistencies, my imperfections and all my shortcomings.

I am here...waiting for you to shower me with your love again.

For the mean time, I will see you in my dreams...where I can hold you close filled with love.

Always,

Your Princess.

I'm back...

2011-01-31T11:16:00.000-08:00

long silence.

but i'm back.

long story.

btw. i'm on facebook now check me at www.facebook.com/princessneliron

THE BIKE

2009-06-23T21:19:00.000-07:00

sweaty, exasperated and panting tired, he ran along beside me as i stepped on the pedal circling the big oval on my BMX bike. he hung on and manuevered the bicycle's wheel making sure i'm doing it right.

after circling three rounds with him, i earned my guts. i finally told him, "i can do it alone. you can let me go now."

reluctantly afraid, he slowly let go of his hands on the bike's seat. it was an unwilling gesture but he did it anyway.

his eyes were keenly glued to me. he watched me vigilantly as i coasted the bike in advance. i was self determined to go on my own.

i saw his delight when he smiled ecstaticly from ear to ear to see me handling the bike unaided.
boastfully showing off, i mobilized that bicycle hard and fast uncontrolledly.

despite his cautious warnings, i accelerated the speed even more. i was trying to brag and exhibit to him, i can burn rubber and go even faster.

"slow down...don't go too fast yet. do it carefully," he instructed me with care and concern and with that apprehensive glare in his eyes.

but my stubborn, stick necked, harddeaded self insisted i pedalled even more with great power. i was persistent that i can speed dash these new wheels.

i was egotistic. in fact, with my chin up high, i steered that bike arrogantly like a quick, racing, rapid supersonic speed ball.

the wind breeze blew on my face. so with all my might, i drove that bike double pronto like winged jetplane in the sky.

as i approach the ending turn, i was in bliss to almost reach the starting line on my first cirle on that oval riding my bike for the first time.

but i underestimated the curve on that turn. i miscalculated the elliptical concave arch on the oval.

unable to hit the brakes on time,i fell sidewise on my bike. but even worse, i fell straight on my face towards the rocky ground.

crying from the seeing the blood on my skinned knees and bruised face, i hollered for help with my screaming voice.

from a far and in panicked, i saw the sight of him hurriedly rushing to my rescue.

panting again, almost burned out, he ran as fast as he could.

"are you okay? where does it hurt?" he asked. he seemed rattled and anxious.

"eddie, get something to wipe the blood," he instructed our house boy hurriedly.

"are you okay? tell me where it hurts.it will be okay. i am here." he uttered. this time, he said it calmingly.

he rubbed my bruised spot. and i, i just stared at his distressed face.

"i'm sorry, i did not listen. i was too excited to ride my bike, that's why." i responded.

from there, he scooped me with his strong arms and took me to the bleachers. he wiped the red spots my bleeding knee and cleaned the dirt on my face with his handkerchief.

"i'm okay now. it is okay now," i assured him.

"are you sure?" he asked.

"very sure." i replied.

"now, do you want to ride the bike again?" he asked me.

i smiled in glee.

then i asked him, "can you walk next to me again while i am on the bike?"

willingly, he said, "sure. but this time, be careful. okay?"

and so even with my skinned knees, i rode that bike again...even until now.

that was 24 years ago.

i rode my bike on my own at the clisoc field by the oval in my hometown, bayombong, nueva vizcaya, philippines.

that wonderful man was my dad - PAPA BERT.

he taught me many things after that...

he taught me how to cook, clean the house, wash the clothes & dishes, take care of my siblings, budget the grocery because he claimed i will not have maids forever.

he taught to be kind to the poor, to be generous and share my blessings, to serve others and not asked anything in return. he claimed i can not bring all wealth to heaven, only my friends.

he taught me many more...

there were many more lessons after.

up to this day, i still learn everyday.

but the greatest compliment i have ever received is that i am like MY DAD.

why? because i have the greatest dad.

HAPPY 60TH BIRTHDAY PAPA BERT!
HAPPY FATHER'S DAY not just today but everyday!
we love you.
<3, len

COUNT

2009-06-05T02:23:00.000-07:00

Count your blessings instead of your crosses;

Count your gains instead of your losses;

Count your joys instead of your woes;

Count your friends instead of your foes;

Count your smiles instead of your tears;

Count your courage instead of your fears;

Count your kind deeds instead of your mean;

Count your full years instead of your lean;

Count your health instead of your wealth;

Count on GOD instead of your self.

RICH or POOR

2009-06-05T01:56:00.000-07:00

One day, a father and his rich family took his son to a trip to the country with the firm purpose to show him how poor people can be. They spent a day and a night in the farm of a very poor family.

When they got back from their trip the father asked his son, "How was the trip?"

"Very good Dad!," The son replied.

"Did you see how poor people can be?," the father asked.

"Yeah!" his son said.

"And what did you learn?," the father asked again.

The son answered, " Well, I learned that....

I saw that we have a dog at home,

and they have four.

We have a pool that reaches

to the middle of the garden,

they have a creek that has no end.

We have imported lamps in the garden,

they have the stars.

Our patio reaches to the front yard,

they have a whole horizon."

When the little boy was finishing, his father was speechless.

His son added,

"Thanks Dad for showing me how poor we are!"

If you have love, friends, family, health, good humor and a positive attitude towards life you've got everything! You can't buy any of these things, but still, you can have all the material possessions you can imagine, provisions for the future, etc., but if you are poor of spirit, you have nothing!

Isn't it true that ...

it all depends on the way you look at things?

the fence

2009-06-05T01:03:00.000-07:00

Once, there was a little boy with a bad temper. So as a punishment, his father gave him a bag of nails and instructed him that every time he lost his temper, the little boy will need to hammer a nail in the back fence.

The first day, the easily angered boy had driven 37 nails into the fence. But after couple of days, it had gradually dwindled down. He finally discovered it was easier to hold his temper than to drive those nails into the fence.

Finally, the day came when the boy did not lose his temper at all. He told his father about it. But in surprised and confused, the father suggested that the boy now pull out one nail for each day that he was able to hold his temper.

The days passed and the young boy was glad because finally able to tell his father that all the nails were gone. Then the father took his son by the hand and led him to the fence.

He said, "You have done well, my son, but look at the holes in the fence. Have you noticed all the damage tarnished by the nails you hammered on the fence?The fence will never be the same. It is the same when you're angry. When you say things in anger, they leave a scar just like this one."

You can put a knife in a man and draw it out. It does not matter how many times you say "I'm sorry, " the wound is still there. A verbal wound is as bad and damaging as a physical one.

Let us think before we say something mean towards someone else. If we have nothing nice to say, let us refrain from saying anything. By doing so, not only did we save a hurting heart, but also we did not leave permanent scars. =)

bamboo tree

2009-05-25T12:01:00.000-07:00

one day, i decided to quit...

i quit my job, my relationship, my spirituality... I wanted to quit my life.

i went to the woods to have one last talk with God.

"God", i asked, "can you give me one good reason not to quit?"

His answer surprised me...

"look around", He said. "do you see the fern and the bamboo?"

"yes", I replied.

"see...when I planted the fern and the bamboo seeds, i took very good care of them...

i gave them light.

i gave them water.

the fern quickly grew from the earth.

its brilliant green covered the floor.

yet, nothing came from the bamboo seed. but i did not quit on the bamboo.

in the second year, the fern grew more vibrant and plentiful.

and again, nothing came from the bamboo seed.

but i did not quit on the bamboo", God said.

"in year three, there was still nothing from the bamboo seed.

but i would not quit.

in year four, again, there was nothing from the bamboo seed.

i would not quit", He said.

"then in the fifth year, a tiny sprout emerged from the earth.

compared to the fern it was seemingly small and insignificant...

but just 6 months later, the bamboo rose to over 100 feet tall.

it had spent the five years growing roots.

those roots made it strong and gave it what it needed to survive.

i would not give any of my creations a challenge it could not handle."

He asked me, "did you know, my child, that all this time you have

been struggling, you have actually been growing roots".

"i would not quit on the bamboo.

i will never quit on you."

"don't compare yourself to others", He said.

"the bamboo had a different purpose than the fern.

yet, they both make the forest beautiful."

"your time will come", God said to me.

"you will rise high"

"how high should I rise?", i asked.

"how high will the bamboo rise?", He asked in return.

"as high as it can?", i questioned.

"Yes.", He said, "give me glory by rising as high as you can."

rays of hope

2009-05-18T00:45:00.000-07:00

like a theatrical piece seen in a broadway play or a scene in a tear-jerking movie production, life is a showmanship poured with a labyrinthe of mystifying dramas. my meandering life existence for the past few weeks leaves me exhausted. its’ intricate unending complications are becoming laboriously unbearable. almost daily, i am faced with problematic dillemmas. troublesome journeys take an immense toll on me causing unmanageable relationships with my lovedones, peers, and even myself.

today, after yet another demanding encounter last night that resulted in fuming argument, i found myself staring at my own reflection in the mirror. my chinky eyes manifested a sleepless tearful night with obvious puffiness. the skin that circles under my eyebags and my eyelids are peeling and a little red from rubbing it too much that i obtained from wiping my tears rigoriously. i wanted to smile instead i displayed a sorrowful frown.

the urge to weep again arises but i kept it composed. alternatively, i stared at my blank face. silently in my head, i started a conversation with that woman i see infront of the mirror. the array of painful events suddenly rewinded and recalled. the anxious concerns came pouring in and rationalizing scrutiny. there are a vast of negative critiques to identify. there are summons of pin pointing blames. there are intriguing questions calling for answers…most of which starts with “why?.” yet, i forced to ignore that agenda. it was not my desire to let the tears fall again this time.

in leui, i directed the serious ”discussion” to import of unwavering strength, to give in to account of hope, and to chronicle and remind myself to hold on to faith. i desired this consultation to be a journey to heal, to forgive and eventually to forget.

so the dialogues went like these...

always know that there are those whose love and
understanding will always be there, even when you feel most alone. there are the people who will love you even in your worse self, they will love you. never stop discovering. discover enough goodness in others to believe in this world of peace.

embrace and be thankful for simple gestures: a kind word, a reassuring touch, and a warm smile be yours every day of your life. and in return, may you give these gifts as well as receive them.

always believe and hold on to hope. remember the beauty of the sunshine when the life’s storm seems unending.

never stop loving. teach love to those who hate you and your family. love your enemies the most. let that love embrace you as you go out into the world. never stop learning. let the teachings of those people you admire and got inspired become part of you, so that you may call upon them.

always make a positive connection and never forget the people you have met along the way. remember that those whose lives you have touched and whose have touched yours are always a part of you, even if the encounters were less than you would have wished. it is the content of the encounter that is more important than the form.

do not become too concerned and obsessed with material matters, but instead place
immeasurable value on the goodness in your heart. remember... you can not
bring all these treasures in heaven. you can only bring your friends.

always be appreciative and productive. find pleasure in simple things. find time
each day to see beauty and love in the world around you. realize that each
person has limitless abilities, but recognize that each of us is different in our own way. what you feel you lack in the present may become one of your strengths in the future.

never stop dreaming and achieving and stop worrying. look at the future as
one filled with promise and possibility. be a sponge and absorb everything life
has to offer. learn to view everything as a worthwhile experience.

find YOURSELF. find enough inner strength to determine your own worth by yourself. do not be dependent on another’s judgment of your accomplishments. you know yourself better than anyone else.

despite the hurt…always believe in love. always believe there are people who care for you and love you as you are. so just be yourself. may you always be loved. may "mr. dimsum" always love you...despite of the times you say angry things at him. may he be patient and unchanging.

there may be testing trials…but remember that there are also victorious triumphs. and that the world awaits you…

i guess…what i am really trying to convey is…there is always hope. there are times when heart gets weak. but it will continue to beat. and no matter how much difficult encounters, the heart lives and it will feel like the sun coming out after a series of rainy days.

we should always cling to hope because we know that there is always hope in the heart that chases the dark clouds away. hope is a higher heart frequency and as we all begin to reconnect with our hearts, hope awaits us to show new possibilities and arrest the downward spiral of grief and loneliness. it becomes just a matter of how soon you want the sun to shine.

so listen to the still, small voice in your heart….it will make hope into a reality. just what my friend balot always say, “HANG IN THERE.”

and so i am hanging on.

i am holding on.

in God's perfect time, He will give it to me.

the best is yet to come.

what matters most

2009-05-04T03:00:00.000-07:00

for the one i love the most...

mr. dimsum

it's been ups and downs lately.

love is not always sunshines & roses.

we need storms to grow stronger.

i want you to know...

i love you so much.

i wish there words to express what i feel...

but words are not enough to convey my emotions.

sorry for being a brat.

please be extra patient with me.

please...

hold my hand...

tell me "things are going to be okay."

just stay with me.

just be there for me.

this is the time i need you the most.

thank you for loving me...

despite if mny imperfectness....

i love you so much.

<3,

len

WHAT MATTERS MOST

CLICK HERE TO LISTEN

It's not how long we held each other's hand

What matters is how well we loved each other

It's not how far we travelled on our way

Of what we found to say

It's not the spring you see,

but all the shades of green

It's not how long I held you in my arms

What matters is how sweet the years together

It's not how many summertimes we had to give to fall

The early morning smiles we tearfully recall

What matters most is that we loved at all.

It's not how many summertimes we had to give to fall

The early morning smiles we tearfully recall

What matters most is that we loved at all.

What matters most is that we loved at all.

i'll never get over you

2009-03-29T11:07:00.000-07:00

I'LL NEVER GET OVER YOU

MYMP

LISTEN HERE

I hear you're the taking the town again
Having a good time
With all your good time friends
I don't think that you think of me
You're on your own now
And I'm alone and free

I know that I should get on with my life
But a life live without you could never be right

As long as the star shines down from the heaven
As long as the rivers run to the sea
I'll never get over you getting over me

I tried to smile so my hurt won't show
Tell everybody I was glad to see you go
But the tears just won't go away
Loneliness found me looks like its here to stay

I know that I ought to find someone new
But all I found is myself always thinking of you

As long as the star shines down from the heaven
As long as the rivers run to the sea
I'll never get over you getting over me

Oh no matter what I do
Each nights a life time to live through
I can't go on like this
I need your touch
You're the only one I ever loved

And as long as the star shines down from the heaven
As long as the rivers run to the sea
I'll never get over you getting over me
I'll never get over you getting over
Never get over you getting over
I'll never get over you getting over me

SPIRITUAL REVERIES: sand and stones

2009-02-25T15:00:00.001-08:00

two friends were walking through the desert. during some point of the journey, they had an argument, and one friend slapped the other one in the face. the one who got slapped was hurt, but without saying anything, he wrote in the sand: “today my best friend slapped me in the face.”

they kept on walking, until they found an oasis, where they decided to take a bath. the one who had been slapped got stuck in the mire and started drowning, but the friend saved him. after he recovered from the near drowning, he wrote on a stone: "today my best friend saved my life".

the friend who had slapped and saved his best friend asked him, "after i hurt you, you wrote in the sand and now, you write on a stone. why?” the friend replied, "when someone hurts us, we should write it down in sand, where winds of forgiveness can erase it away. but, when someone does something good for us, we must engrave it in stone where no wind can ever erase it."

learn to write your hurts in the sand and to carve your benefits in stone. they say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them, but then an entire life to forget them.

PRAYER:

Lord,

thank you for always shedding light in your dark everydays.

thank you for always givng us second chances to correct our imperfectness.

Lord,

in our times of shortcoming

and times we may have hurt the people around us,

i ask for your mercy and forgiveness.

we are sorry.

give me the chance to forgive

the people who have caused us pain or torments.

and that in return, we also ask for your forgiveness.

as we go on our day, Lord,

open our hearts and minds

to become a better Christian.

guide us in ways we can serve you and your people

at the best of our capability.

bless the people around us,

who continue to be patient with us despite our cruelty.

bless the people who loves us dearly.

bless even more,

the ones who we have lost touch and had rivals with.

may they find forgiveness in their hearts.

keep them in your watchful eyes and guide them.

we ask you these in your name....

Amen.

HOT CHOCOLATE

2009-02-25T14:48:00.000-08:00

HOT CHOCOLATE

A group of university graduates, well established in their careers, were talking at a reunion and decided to visit their old professor, who is now retired.

During their visit, the conversation turned to complaints about stress in their work and lives. Offering his guests hot chocolate, the professor went into the kitchen and returned with a large pot of hot chocolate and an assortment of cups - porcelain, glass, crystal, some plain-looking, some expensive, some exquisite. Then, he told them to help themselves to the hot chocolate.

When they all had a cup of hot chocolate in hand, the professor said: "Notice that all the nice looking expensive cups were taken, leaving behind the plain and cheap ones. While it is normal for you to want only the best for yourselves, that is the source of your problems and stress.

The cup that you're drinking from adds nothing to the quality of the hot chocolate. In most cases it is just more expensive and in some cases even hides what we drink. What all of you really wanted was hot chocolate, not the cup; but you consciously went for the best cups... And then you began eyeing each others cups.

Now consider this: Life is the hot chocolate; your job, money and position in society are the cups. They are just tools to hold and contain life. The cup you have does not define, nor change the quality of life you have.

Sometimes, by concentrating only on the cup, we fail to enjoy the hot chocolate we have.

Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Be thankful for all your blessings and enjoy your hot chocolate forever.

And always remember...

The happiest people don't have the best of everything. They just make the best of everything that they have!

SPIRITUAL REVERIES: The Power of YOUR Love

2009-02-22T17:05:00.000-08:00

CLICK HERE TO LISTEN

THE POWER OF YOUR LOVE
by Darlene Zschech

Verse 1:

Lord I come to You
Let my heart be changed
Renewed
Flowing from the grace
that I found in You.

Lord I've come to see
the weaknesses in me
will be stripped away
by the pow'r Your love.

Chorus:

Hold me close
let Your love surround me
bring me near
draw me to your side
and as I wait
I'll rise up like the eagle
and I will sore with You
Your spirit leads me on
by the power of Your love.

Verse 2:

Lord unveal my eyes
let me see You face to face
the knowledge of Your love
as you live in me.

Lord renew my mind
as Your will unfolds in my life
in living everyday
by the power of Your love.

Repeat Chorus

THE DEVIL'S ADVOCATE

2009-02-20T19:46:00.000-08:00

Life is so cruel sometimes. We are under attack constantly and innocently. We suffer from other people's ridicules and false judgements. If you say anything, angry words are thrown back to you multiplied by ten. If you do not say anything, you are belittled and betrayed.

Truth is, I know I can fire back. I know I can do the same thing they do to us. I can open up old scandals and adevertise it. I can be angrier. I can attack them also. I can do many things to retaliate.

I can loose my fuse and I can fume in fury. I can pinpoint blames. I can start a fight. I can ignite a fire. I can destroy. I can damage. I can make it bigger and greater.

But really, I asked my self, "What good will it do to me?" I want to sleep feeling and thinking I did not hurt anyone. I do not like the feeling of stepping on other people's toes to put my self on a pedestal. And if I did my own share of mishap to anyone, I will be the first to admit my faults.

My mind suggests me to fight. Yet, my heart tells me something else. In my heart, I know, I only have two choices: to FORGIVE or NOT to forgive. So I choose to shut my mouth. I choose to drop the angst. I choose to be the water to kill the fire.

Revenge is better when you just let it go...ALL OF IT: the anger, the urge to fight back, the desire to create a fire. Revenge is better when you just simply raise the white flag up. They won the fight. I surrender.

I can be the devil's advocate. But I don't want to go in hell. I'm not claiming I am super perfect. I am not an angel. In fact, will NEVER be an angel. But I can be a better person than I was yesterday. In my daily life, that is my ultimate goal: to become a BETTER ME.

So I will start by saying...I forgive you...ALL OF YOU. And May my God forgive me also.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, 'Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?' Jesus answered, 'I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times." Matthew 18:21-22

The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.

--Mahatma Gandhi

Blessed are they which are persecuted for righteousness' sake: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are ye, when men shall revile you, and persecute you, and shall say all manner of evil against you falsely, for my sake. Rejoice, and be exceeding glad: for great is your reward in heaven: for so persecuted they the prophets which were before you. Matthew 5:10-12

But I say unto you, love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you; That ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven: for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust . Matthew 5:44,45

PRAYER:
My Lord, Amidst our darkness, our everyday battles, our desire to anger, stay with us. Keep us calm and collected. Give us the strength to succumb it all and let it all go. I pray that our enemies, the people who hurt us and betrayed us, will find enlightenment and an open heart. In the bible, YOU taught us to love our enemies despite their persecutions towards us, to throw bread at them when they throw rocks at us, to forgive their trespasses, to love them more at these moments. You said it is the only way YOU will also forgive us from our sins. So In Your Name, I am forgiving them. Guide them and help them. May you keep them and bless them. Sorry for our sins. Have mercy on us. We asked you these through God the Father...AMEN.

"HANGGANG"

2009-02-10T01:06:00.000-08:00

as some of you may know, for the first time in a lifelong time, i've broadcasted to the world about my relationship with simon. our love is fairly new but i knew simon for a long time. but like normal couples, we have our own shares of ups and downs.

but i think, what draws me to him is his very expressive unconditional love that he never fails to show me... whether it's the very often dimsum mornings that he never fails to bring me or even just caring for me when i am super sick (especially when i had my operations). most of the people who are close to me can attest to that. above all, he loves my family as much as i love them and they loved him back. my mom adores him, i think =).

in our alone moments, simon often asked me how much i love him or how far i would go for my love for him. each and everytime, i just respond with a quiet smile. i show him naman but i'm not as expressive as he is. he is, by far, the best man i have ever met in every sense of the word. you know, the one who reminds me so much of how my dad loved me and took care of me. better yet, he resembles the genuine love of how much my dad loves my mom. as a child, it is what i wished for and now, simon is that person to me.

what simon does not know...is i love him more than he will ever know. no words can ever describe what i feel. no emotions can ever express how much joy he brings to my heart. no actions can give concrete evidence of how much overflowing bliss he adds to my day.

so with all that said, i was listening to this song on my ipod when i was driving stuck in traffic on the freeway on this rainy afternoon in los angeles

though words are really not sufficient, and really, what i truly feel and my heart's ultimate reaction for him is far beyond what i can even fathom or decipher. yet, this song is the closest interpretation there is if can define how much i love him. perhaps, this song can capture it.

this is not just in lieu of valentines day. i think, simon makes each da with him a valentines day. that's what matters most.

what can i say? to tell you the truth, i once prayed for someone like simon to come into my life. to my surprise, i did not know God will give to me at the time i least expected it.

fate? or i'm just super lucky?

maybe not. God knew it all along. =) it has always been in His vision.

HANGGANG
BY Wency Cornejo

Ilang ulit mo nang, itinatanong sakin
kung hanggang saan,
hanggang saan, hanggang kailan,
hanggang kailan mag tatagal,
ang aking pag mamahal,

hanggang may himig pa akong naririnig,
dito sa'ting daigdig
hanggang may musika akong tinataglay,
kita'y iniibig
giliw wag mo sanang isiping
ikaw ay aking lilisanin,
di ko magagawang
lumayo sayong piling
at nais kong malaman mo
kung gaano kita kamahal

hanggang ang diwa ko'y
tanging sayo laan
mamahalin kailanman
hanggang pag ibig ko'y
hanggang walang hanggan
tanging ikaw lamang

hanggang may himig pa akong naririnig
dito sa'ting daigdig
hanggang may musika akong tinataglay
kita'y iniibig
giliw wag mo sanang isiping
ikaw ay aking lilisanin
di ko magagawang
lumayo sayong piling
at nais kong malaman mo
kung gaano kita kamahal

hanggang may puso akong
marunong mag mahal
na ang sinisigaw ay lagi ng ikaw
hanggang saan hanggang kailan
hanggang kailan kitang mahal
hanggang ang buhay ko'y
kunin ng may kapal

giliw wag mo sanang isipin
ikaw ay aking lilisanin
di ko magagawang
lumayo sayong piling
hanggang may pag ibig
laging isisigaw, tanging ikaw
hanggang may pag ibig
laging isisigaw, tanging ikaw

my revenge

2009-01-26T00:21:00.000-08:00

i contemplate to decipher and describe the twinge and torment that assailed on us. fiery careless words of others lambasted my lovedones like flaying bullwhips slapped on the backs and rears, with its sharp edge tailed knots and metalled stars tore the skin and flesh of the punished. their scorching balls of hatred thrown directly at us igniting our preserved dignities into blowtorch flames into charred ashes. we walked away and turned our backs from pursuing these battles but they pulled the trigger of loaded guns of lies, propelled and launched at us execution style.

i wanted to fight back. i could have interferred and blocked their merciless whipping with my strong wooden knight shields. that way they can also experience the sharpness of the bullwhips blades planted on their skin. i could have caught the balls of fury. i could have created a bigger ball and threw it back to them so they know how it felt like to be ignited in flame. i could have dispatch a rifle myself, i could have fling it towards the opposite direction, and blast it off to them with a bigger bang. i could have made a gigantic explosion.

the pain bursting in my heart, the multiplying damaging words they threw at us, the dishonest accusations, their denial to the truth, i probably would have. the burning desire within me tells me to defend my lovedones also, to straighten up the matter, to tell their own odors, too... i knew i could have...i could have done that easily. i wanted to. i would have. i could have...
but i decided NOT to do it.

with all my might, with all my remaining control, with my head bowed down, with my knees kneeled on the floor, with tears flowing down from my eyes, with my hands in praying position...i asked the Lord to forgive my evil thoughts and to purify my heart instead. with my humbled heart, i asked for His mercy. i asked for His blessing. i asked Him for strength.

perhaps...my revenge...is in His will. my revenge is to repent...to understand them more no matter how much it hurts. my mom and dad taught me to throw bread when they hit me with rocks. the bible said to love your enemies like your neighbors no matter how much they betrayed you, despite the lasting wounds that turned to scars they left you.

a friend once reminded me, "we are built by God not to shrink down into less version of ourselves. we are built by God to blossom into more. "

perhaps...my greatest revenge to their angry words...is to forgive with an open heart and with open arms.

and so HELP ME, GOD.

Psalm 23
A psalm of David.

1 The LORD is my shepherd,
I shall not be in want.

2 He makes me lie down in green pastures,
He leads me beside quiet waters,

3 He restores my soul.
He guides me in paths of righteousness
for His name's sake.

4 Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil, for You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.

5 You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.

6 Surely goodness and love will follow me
all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the LORD
forever.

"We are pressed on every side by troubles,
BUT we are NOT crushed and broken.
We are perplexed,
BUT we DO NOT give up and quit.
We are hunted down,
but God NEVER abandons us.
We get knocked down,
BUT we get up again and keep going."

2 Corinthians 4:8-9

Deuteronomy 32:11

Psalm 139
For the director of music. Of David. A psalm.
1 O LORD, you have searched me and you know me.

"Like an eagle that stirs up its nest,
That hovers over its young,
He spread His wings and caught them,
He carried them on His pinions."

Deuteronomy 32:11

"My brethen, count it all joys
when you fall into various trials,
knowing that that the testing
of your faith produces patience.
But let patience have its perfect work,
that you may be perfect and complete;
lacking nothing. "

James 1:2-4

God said to me, " my grace is sufficient for you; fo rmy power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore, I will boast all more gladly about my weakness so that Christ's power may rest upon me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

2 Corinthians 12:9-10

"Be glad! There is a wonderful joy ahead!
Eventhough it is necessary for you
to endure many trials for a while.
These trials are only for a while.
These are only to test your faith,
to show that it is strong and pure.
It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold
---Your faith is far more precious than gold."

1 Peter 1:6-7

"God's loyal love could not have run out.
God's merciful love could not have dried up.
They are created new every morning.
How great is your faithfulness!"

Lamentations 3:22-23

"All things work together for those who love God; to those who are called according to His purpose."

Romans 8:28

Psalm 139

For the director of music.
Of David.
A psalm.

1 O LORD, you have searched me
and you know me.

2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.

3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.

4 Before a word is on my tongue
you know it completely, O LORD.

5 You hem me in—behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.

6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.

7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?

8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.

9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,

10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.

11 If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,"

12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.

13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.

14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.

15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,

16 your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.

17 How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!

18 Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand.
When I awake,
I am still with you.

19 If only you would slay the wicked, O God!
Away from me, you bloodthirsty men!

20 They speak of you with evil intent;
your adversaries misuse your name.

21 Do I not hate those who hate you, O LORD,
and abhor those who rise up against you?

22 I have nothing but hatred for them;
I count them my enemies.

23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.

24 See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.

november rain

2008-11-26T00:49:00.000-08:00

***

*NOVEMBER RAIN*

*****

Furious flashes of thunder lit up across the midnight sky,
Roaring and loud like the anger she released from up high.

Heavy drizzles like teardrops falling down,
Her teary eyes expressing her sorrow's frown.

Resounding, Rhythmic beats of liquid symphony,

Drizzling rain, is my heart showing some agony?

What do these downpours of rain really bring?

Please no more suffering. I need some soul cleansing.

Flooding pools of sidewalks get sprinkles of cloudburst,

Oh rain, wash away my hurtful emotional outburst.

Misty moonsoon occluded my window pane,

Rain, Rinse me off of all of life's sinful stain.

Freshen me, douse me from the heavy dew rain,

Oh rain, Let your healing nature heal all the pain.

Calm the tempered, violent winds' exerting power,

Oh God of Rain, Purify me, Cleanse me off from the devil's shower.

Buckets of water, November rainfall, torrential drencher,
Mr. Dimsum, I wish you are here, I'll feel better.

As the singing rain plays me a gentle lullaby on the roof tonight,

I'll dream of our rainkiss, that dreamy rainy night you held me tight.

Soon, perhaps, tomorrow, the rain will cease and walk away...

But rain or shine, mr. dimsum, I am here.

And my love, I am here to stay.

THE KNIFE

2008-11-19T22:12:00.000-08:00

i went thru myspace after a long time of my desired absence there the other night.
i abstained accessing myspace to elude conflicts with an exbestfriend -"ms. las vegas"
the truth is, i've sent her a few tactfullly typed one liner emails.
she responded with meagered, scarce replies.
of course, there's an important financial matter we needed to discuss...
no matter how thinning the respect i have left towardsher, i will not discuss any amounts here.
(after all, she was once my best friend. i owe her that scant of respect).

despite my semi-oocasional visits on myspace to see how friends are doing...living...
mind you, including her, but sadly, she deleted me as one of her buddies.
that was expected after i angered her or was she annoyed of my obnoxious emails to her?
truth is, i don't know. i did not expect too much. not from her anyway.
but the next episode was uncalled for.
i think i was not prepared to what was going to hit me next.

clicking away in myspace, i checked how my friends are doing. some are related to her.
i clicked one whom i will initial MC.
i was blocked and could not get thorugh.
okay, i thought, maybe because she was upset, too.
so i clicked another one, her niece/adopted sister, i will aka as "JE,"
and once and again, i was intercepted and hindered and barred.
so i thought, maybe, third luck the third try.
i clicked on her niece, the sister of MC above, "JC,"
for the third try, i hit an obstruction and stonewalled shut out.

then it hit me. this blockage was detered by only one person.
my ex bestfriend, ms. las vegas, i'm so certain had to do with the occlusion.
i can just picture what she told these people...
"she's this and that...so please, BLOCK her! "
so all these people, not knowing the honest truth, cut me off.

i was fuming mad.
anger enveloped me but hurt eventually took over.
i called mr. dimsum, letting out my tears, letting out my heartache.
i think i could have tolerated the pain had not been her who did the damage.
but she - ms. las vegas-was my best friend...

what have i done so cruel that she halted our friendship?
is it wrong to tell her what i felt? or to get back the money she owed me?
it is my own hard earned money anyway.
i was only helping her out.

why is she so upset?
why did she have to let everyone turn their back on me not knowing the real truth?
did she tell them the EXACT scenario?
or was she siding her own story and making herself the proclaimed "hero" out of this?

what do i say?
what do i do?
on the other end of the line,"forgive her," mr. suggested.

outbursting with tears....
outpouring twinge....
bleeding with so much hurt....
i hit the LOG OUT button out of myspace.
i hit the X to close the myspace page.
hoping and praying...
as i clicked out of that page....
i can also click out the pain in my backstabbed heart.

STANDSTILL HUSH

2008-11-05T23:15:00.000-08:00

i hunger for your warm embrace.
i thirst for your soft lips.
i crave to hold your sweaty palms.
i whim for your gentle touch.
i long for a glance at your flirty smile.
* SIGH * i itch to have you near.
*BIGGER SIGH *
but maybe i need this peaceful quietude.
i'm taking a little tranquil downtime with my loved ones minus MR. DIMSUM.
perhaps...my tired soul can have its own "coffee time. "
perhaps....my weary spirit can occupy a calm siesta.
perhaps...my longing heart can pick up an idle interlude.
just a little get away time for myself....
rekindling quality time with my missed siblings & family,
so i will feel good and if i do, i can slowly reconnect with mr. dimsum,
secretly longing to have him near but maybe when i get back...
so i am HERE

in another one of earth's slice of heaven

a souther californian treat

my own breathing space ....

hoping and praying within this little time

i can become a rejuvenated ME

i can be a BETTER ME

so i can appreciate more...

so i can complain less...

so i can understand more....

so i can anger less....

so i can love greater...

so i can hate less...

hoping and praying

at the short end of all these relaxing solitude....

so we can be a BETTER US

(i miss you....mr. dimsum. i wish you were here)

STAND BY ME

2008-11-03T20:48:00.000-08:00

Click here to Download Stand By Me free at EZ-Tracks.com

Lyrics | King, Ben E. - Stand by Me lyrics

DEBRIS

2008-11-01T06:13:00.001-07:00

okay...

you are B R O K E N.

you are C R U S H E D.

you are TORN APART.

A G A I N...

your tiresome weary heart.

your tearfilled tearful eyes

and...

once again...

the pieces of yourself are

S-C-A-T-T-E-R-E-D

all over the place...

all of it...

ABANDONED.

but do not pick up the debris.

let it pick up its own self.

in no time,

it will be whole again.

for now, my dear,

just FIND YOURSELF.

in between, squeezed in,

hidden within those broken pieces...

YOU ARE THERE.

so just FIND YOURSELF, len.

it may hurt now.

but in no time...

in God'd perfect time...

YOU WILL B E F I N E =)

wipe the tears.

you will cry no more.

thorns....

2008-10-31T04:33:00.000-07:00

understand more--- most especially when it is difficult to do so...
be gentle...do it more when your temper is rising...
be kinder...keep the anger away from your heart...
be nonjudgemental...not everyone is perfect, you are not perfect...
be calm...when you're stressed out, pray...it keeps your nerves at ease...
be nice...even when you feel like being mean...control it...get rid of it...
LOVE...love more...love everything about him....
because he loved you for all that you are....
LOVE isnt always sunshine and roses...
but these are the times you should assure each other you love each other...
because if you love one another....
it is during these trying times you should stand by each other...
because it during these not so great times that you need each other...
it might be a test of patience and strength...
it might be annoying...
it might be hurting....
but stay there...
stay with him....
do not give up....
rise above the trials....
appreciate him more....
by doing this...he will learn to appreciate you as well.
LOVE can sometime be like thorns of roses...
but only when we get prickled by the thorns that we appreciate the beauty of a rose.

pillow

2008-10-10T02:24:00.000-07:00

rough, rugged, and rocky: sometimes, my life is like toling a high, rigid, and stony mountain. its' intricate uphills and perplexing downhills can be wearisome. often, i disguise what i feel inside. in a crowd, i stand out as i fascinate them with my wit & humor. everyone laughs out loud. behind those convincing giggles, an artificial smile covered my hidden despair. melancholic sadness hides in my teary eyes. yes, i'm in pretention and no one is aware.

secluded, i seeked solace in my quiet solitude. despite my roaring strength and relentless perseverance, i'm gullible to moments of powerlessness and weakness. in my attempts to be numb and impenetrable, i slowly lose my stiff self. wimpy and frail, i sink low, drowning in my own ocean of glooming blues. there, i weeped my close-mouthed woes for hours.

my own life's telenovela is concealed. i guess, no one would ever see. no one would contemplate and know me completely. i wimphered my outcries privately. in fascade, i masked my deep sorrows. as much as possible, i kept my intriguing layers out of sight.

i'm like an onion. you have to peel off the layers to discover the real me. i might have chosen to be confidential and complicated . but i am a mere human. i can feel. i can see. i love. i give. i hurt. i forgive. i forget. i lament. when i am hurt, i sob my barrels of tears.

in my transitory quarantine, i found a reliable companion. though drench in my soggy tears, my fluffy, spongy pillow gave me soothing comfort. i hugged , i cuddled, i snuggled my saturated pillow so tight. dreaming and wishing, it was your strong arms wrapped around me, my pillow seems to warm me in my chilly nights.

only my wet soaked pillow heard when my heartaching agony is screaming. the painful heart
often ignored. the watery eyes often unseen. only my pillow will attest to the abundant tear drops i wailed over you as you said you are unhappy.

undisclosed, weeping remains hidden from a view. oh my...those persistent tears lurk on my pillow. casted, my woes extend into dark depression. unceasing & voiceless, i cry in unspoken still of silence. quietly, i mummed my unuttered prayer,"my Lord, please provide me with vital stamina to sustain firmess in my times of frailty..."

yet, you left. you claim that you do not make me happy. how do you know that? have you seen my eyes? my joyless tears remain unnoticed. do you feel what my heart is saying? it is aching. my mournful yearning was once again unsuccessful. yet and again, i am heavy hearted. downcasted, i drenched my pillow with tears as i force myself to sleep.

QUEEN

2008-09-16T11:21:00.000-07:00

life is not ALWAYS kind. i am a fighter. i am a dreamer. i am a hard worker. but as reality bites, i also stumbled and fell. i love with all my heart but loving with all of yourself is still sometimes not enough. heartbrokenness still seeks a way to tarnish that love. my life is never dull. i am just trying like everybody else.

i have my own shares of wounds. i had my heart painfully broken so many times in my life. i loved, i love so much and yet, i loved to be torn into pieces. even worst, you find out you have to pick up the debris of that destroyed heart. and i thought, i am scarred for life.

in my brokenheartedness, i found the appreciation of "real love." the one that notices ME beyond my physical attributes. the one that experienced me in my best and my very WORST and yet, embraced my imperfections. the one that not only says, " i love you" but showed me and assured me in his actions he does. at a moment when my life is put on halt, God gave me 'that person' through "mr. dimsum."

i had my taste of failing from A's to D's in my report cards. i am not a nerd by definition. i do not absorb everything i read and learn right away. it takes me three times the hardwork to understand what i am reading. i am a student on weekdays and i am a worker on weekends, hardly even getting sleep or rest. i worked so hard to just achieve something. i desired to be on top of the class but sometimes, i find myself in the bottom despite my earnest efforts. my disappointing results drowned me in hopelessness.

in my hopelessness, i found my way to try and try again. i achieved some. i failed some more. but what is important is i am TRYING. and for whatever accomplishments i received along the way, it was because i toiled it with blood, sweat, tears, and barrels of determination & endless perseverance.

i read in reader's digest before, thomas edison, the inventor of electricity, failed 200 times before he discovered electricity. i believe God intended me to go as far beyond as i can imagine. i know my pot of harvest will earn me a spot in this world. one by one, i am certain my dreams will unfold in my Lord's perfect timing. and i can not wait what is instore for me ahead.

i can enlist conflicts after trials. i can tell you my stories of aches and struggles in multiplied encounters. but i discovered in a difficult way that i can change my future just by merely changing my attitude. i realized life is all about TAKING in everything: every failing times, every sad goodbyes, all these experiences to the next and learning from it all.

i am woman in process. i refused to succumb to failure because i learned from it in the process. there are no such thing as accidents. every little thing happens for a reason. we can not become what we want to be by remaining what we are. and it is in the moments of our struggles that we gain our strengths.

i always say, "believing is a magic that makes a dream come true." i realized that the times i fell down, i was heartbroken and times i failed is that so i can get a perspective of what is like of being on the bottom so i can appreciate what is ahead of me. my wounds are turning into wisdom. all i have to do is follow my instincts.

i would like to think of myself as a queen. she is never scared to make the toughest decisions. a queen is never afraid to fail. and if she failed, she thinks failure is just a stepping stone to greatness so she tries again. she knows that she can have it ALL. it's just she can have it all at once.

YIN YANG

2008-09-12T21:35:00.000-07:00

no one really knows the real me.

sometimes,i am a weakling...but a fierce fighter.
yes, i am kind..true...but be careful, i also can be harsh.
but of course, i love...with all my heart, i love...
but i'm a mere human, also hate, more like despise.

that is me...i am aYin and i am Yang...

i possess both extremities,
but the balance is yet to be found.
to know me more...
one has to delve deep into the recesses of my soul,
feel my ramble beatings of my heart,
search the chambers of my mind,explore the vastness of my heart,
accept the reality that is me...

and this is me: i am YIN and i am YANG.

tissue box

2008-09-07T04:27:00.000-07:00

the facial tissue box is half empty.

my room's garbage can are filled with used tissues.

my nose are clogged.

my eyes are puffy and swollen.

my clothes are drenched from wiping the tears.

my heart is once again broken.

where do i go from here?

where do i pick up the broken pieces?

when will the crying subside?

how can i stop hurting inside?

my God, my God...

stay with me during my trying moments...

stay with me in my times of tears....

stay with me in this life's uncertainties...

i risked it all to love

just to find out he can not the love i showed.

give me more tissue from the box.

i have to wipe these tears away.

i don't want anybody to see me cry.

i don't want them to see the tears from my eyes.

where do broken hearts go?
please show me the way.
so i can finally move forward.
so i can find my lost self again

the things i do for LOVE

2008-09-07T04:07:00.000-07:00

" i DON'T feel that you LOVE me..."

all i could hear was that phrase. repeating over and over again. slashing my heart...until it bleeds and it is oozing in painful bloodshed.

i closed my eyes and sleep, even in the midst of relaxation,

my upset heart beats in loud rythm of hurt.

i love...

i love...too much...

i love...you...too much...

i loveD you... for all that you are...

and you tell me, you don't feel my love?

i love...

i still love...

i will continue to love...

YOU

despite of my heart's torturing ache...

the worst part of it....

it hurts more to know that

despite my efforts TO LOVE YOU...

you told me, you can not see it.

you told me, you can not feel it.

it hurts to know...

what i am showing you,

what i am telling you,

what i am sharing you,

the way i am loving you,

whatever i did to show you...

well, you told me...

you can not feel it...

do i apologize?

do i cry?

do i stay?

do i go?

do i stand here alone?

should i ask you why?

i can't.

i'm suffering in pain.

i look at your eyes.

i tried to hug you.

i tried to show you...

but you are numb.

you can not feel a thing.

i guess...

whatever i do....

it is not enough.

what ever i showed,

it is not enough.

whatever i am,

i''m just not ENOUGH.

WILL OF THE WIND

2008-09-07T04:05:00.000-07:00

I spent half my life

Looking at the reasons things must change.

And half my life trying to make them stay the same.

But love would fade like summer into fall;

All that I could see was a mystery,

It made no sense at all.

The will of the wind,

you feel it and then,

It will pass you blowing steady.

It comes and it goes,

and God only knows,

You must keep your sails on ready.

So when it begins,

get all that you can;

You must befriend

the will of the wind.

I spent so many hours

Just thinkin' 'bout the way things might have been

.And so many hours trying to bring the good times back again.

And so it goes for lonely hearted fools;

They let their days slip away,

Until they give into..

So when it begins,

get all that you can;

You must befriend the will of the wind.

2008-07-19T00:35:00.000-07:00

dear mr. dimsum,

for the many times i don't show it,
for the many times i wanted to but did n't,
for the many times, i forget,
for the many times, i neglect,
for the many times, i ignored,
for the many times, i did not declared,
for the many times, i missed,
for the many times, you i did not please,
for the many times, in the past...
for the many times, i must...

I LOVE YOU...

i am everything i am....

because YOU LOVE ME!

love,
"princess"

tea bags,,,cast me not..from the ONE LEGGED ANGEL

2008-07-19T00:20:00.000-07:00

here's another THANK YOU round to my ever loyal 'fans' ( naks! don't deny...i know you missed me..=) kidding aside, i wanted to circulate a large individualistic THANK YOU to everyone. however, there is no way i can type up hundreds of emails nor a personal HANDWRITTEN love letter to everyone who thought of me and wished me to get well and sent their prayers and love during the recent surgical procedures i've go through. in every language, THANK YOU VERY MUCH!

[[although, i was able to allot and squeeze some "loveletters" a few people along the way---ya'll know who you are---hope you got it]]

a removal of some parts of your physical body and also losing some functions to your existng body made me realize how important it is to take care of ourselves and to be thankful for the LIFE God gave me. some of you knew and watched me go through the difficulties i underwent for years now. my elongated path to living and healing is not a joke: itching weeks of wearing cemented casted extremities relying on crutches to take you from point A to point B, the excruciating nerve, muscle, joint pains, sleepless aching nights, countless episode of vomiting to name a few. the truth is, i can enlist arrays of multiple symptoms i feel everyday, or the existence of the strongest medicines on earth i take just hoping and wishing to make all the discomforts and side effects perished, or the multiplying medical treatments, outnumbered diagnostic procedures i received just to obtains congruent solution to the twinge i face persistently everyday. THE LISTs CAN GO ON...but i simply masked the pain away and SMILE or joke it off as most of you who knew me noticed.

truth is, i am simply tired of fighting sometimes. beyond one legged crutch walking & leg cementing, faking a painful smile is even more exhausting. sometimes, i think of how others would respond if they were in my shoes. for most part, it gets insanely torturing. the demands of your daily survival is a constant battle. and the hardest part of it all is NOT knowing when the tormenting war within your physical, emotional, and mental body will end.

it is during these darkest moments when i realized i am still fortunate, after all. my Lord blessed me with extraordinary strength and persistence to live and fight all the battles from which i derived and often absorb from GREAT INFLUENCES in people like you. from YOUR outpouring LOVE, jolly spirits and conjoined LIMITLESS prayers, i am empowered that LIFE is worth every battle i need to face.

they said, " TRUE LOYAL FRIENSHIPS are like TEA BAGS. You'll never know HOW STRONG THEY TASTE until YOU DIPPED them inHOT BOILING WATER. " so to me, you're my TEA BAGS...for lack of a better word, far beyond gratefulness, from the deepest depth of my heart, I AM forever THANKFUL for HAVING YOU for BEING THERE when the sun shines but even better,FOR BEING THERE when the rain pours.

THANK YOU SO MUCH!

at the end of all of these, i know, without hesitency, my Lord will return the favor to all of you as I pray to HIM, my Lord, my master healer, to keep you healthy and protected in HIS watchful eye and return the outours of BLESSING back to you.

GOD LOVES YOU...
SO DO I.

2008-07-11T20:14:00.000-07:00

i must have done something right in the past to deserve someone as great and wonderful as you.

THANK YOU...."mr. dimsum"

for loving me...despite of...
for taking care of me...
for massaging me...
for cmforting me...
for bringing me food....
for understanding me...
for being there....

i
love
you
so
much.

THANK YOU....straight from the STUBBORN PATIENT

2008-07-11T20:13:00.000-07:00

so another two surgical procedures not to mention a complete severance ( as in removal) of a nerve added to my surgical history. here i am, two weeks later, i'm still somewhat "high" ( more like "bangag") from my generous doses of narccotics (courtesy of nice orthopedic doctor). doctor instructed "do not put put weight on casted foot and ankle, do not use left extremities at all for now, do not drive, elevate, ice it up all the time, clear liquds only, " blah, blah, blah...well, if you know the rebel in me, i am sort of stubborn so i simply did not follow all instructions. i went to a thai food resto 5 days after surgery and guess who i saw, TINA!!! hahaha....i hoping i can get me a crab cake but all i did was stare at it and watched poor BF 'mr. dimsum' gobble up two plates of largey entrees and take home some more.

perhaps you may say, i am being punished due to my stubbornness that i still could not tolerate solid food. gG2 gatorade & BF mom's chinese congee or tsuk or "goto" or lugaw in tagalog has been a reliable sustaining diet. the only only thing i can swallow for no anyway. still on PRN dilaudid ( yes, folks, i am upgraded to stronger dilaudid from the already heavy vicodin. and the annoying worker's comp insurance made sure i now OWN a 24 hour ice machine (like the ones they have in ortho floor, i swear!) so i don't need the leaky ice packs made by my RN mommy. hahaha. THAT's BEEN MY FABULOUS LIFE , so far .

i wanted to send individual THANK YOU's to everyone but it will take me a lifetime to do that. so THANK YOU to everone who prayed from my wlshire umc family, who wished me to get well whethe by tx from pinas, to nyc, to all roud the world, the lovely emails and comments, to all who checked if i was alive and survived the multiple doses of morphine ( hehhe...i'm alive---i'm a cat with nine livES - don't you know that yet?),to all who visited at home ( hopefully, i wasn't demented enough to forget your name - i hope i remembered you!!! hahah) and of course, my 24 hour NURSES at home & super sweet BF who took care of me and still taking care of me for their UNCONDITIONAL tender loving care despite my bitchiness...i owe you so much ndi will make it up to all of you. I LOVE U!

above all,MY GOD and SAVIOUR, My mASTER HEALER, i never doubted your power to heal me. hopefully, i can be up an running in no time. cure me fast oh Lord i can serve you more.
i guess, what am trying to say is, i'm still in pain...and i still need aides in a lot of thngs...but in no time, i will be ok. i tld you guys, i will be a BIONIC woman in no time. so fearnot. thanks again...GOD loves you...so DO I.

EPISODES

2008-05-02T11:54:00.000-07:00

like the color yellow traffic light, i wait for my turn for the life's traffic light to go green. i scribbled words of mixed emotions: indescribable rollercoaster feelings of being in love and loving back, awkwardness of losing a trusted best friend due to self proclaimed ego, standing strong through the storms of recovery, missing the experience of the normalcy of life. lately, life has been on a halt.

the past months has truly been a test of strength. my best friend and i kind of parted ways. i will nmot detail the arguement. but let's face it, i am truly hurt. i've decicated my 13 years of friendship with her. and despite my anguish, i still worry and think about her. i stilll pray that God protects her and guides her. and that she'll forgive me for whatever harshness i've said. yeah, i have other friends. in fact, i have a lot of friends. but still, life is not the same not having her around. but for right now, life must go on.

physical recovery from an injury is somewhat easy. but the emotional and mental complications along with it is difficult. i am recovering from a long complicated injury that seems to get worse each time i am lying on a MRI machine as specialist detected more damage. words like 'nerve damage,' 'complications,' have been somewhat of a norm. narcotics, muscle and nerve relaxants have been my companion when the physical pain arise. but insomnia kicks in at night and you start thinking. how many days of idleness have passed you by due to all of this? my life of 2 hours sleep a day before is gone. i could have done a million things from these wasted recovery days. this idleness is a killer. and it gets worse as the day goes by.

for most part, love is unexplainable. most of the times, it is wonderful like the cherry on top of the sundae. sometimes, very rare, i taste a bit of tartly sourness like an unripe fruit. no one has loved me like "he" loves me. he is, by far, the greatest man i have dated beyond my wildest dream. who shows up in my house with an iced hazelnut coffee just because he knew i would love that? who takes me to latenight walks on the beach just because he knew i would enjoy that? who goes swimming with me eventhough he admits he's not a great swimmer just so i wouldn't be alone in the siwmming pool? my love does that for me...JUST BECAUSE.

but love isn't all sunshine and roses. we deal with miscommunicating. we say things we don't mean but have said it anyway and hurt each other. sometimes, a mere joke is taken too seriously that you unknowingly pained his ego and his heart. sometimes, i forget how lucky i am and i forget to appreciate all the awesome things and experiences he shares with me. i tell him many times, i am not perfect. i admit i am wrong and i say i am sorry. but i know, apologizing sometimes is not good enough to erase the damage i have done. yet, he forgives me. yet, he loves me.

i can't predict what life will bring me. i can't foretell what stories will come up next or who are the people i will cross path with. in this make believe world of 'fakes," i am simply struggling to be ME, the original. all i know for sure is, this is MY life. and as life hits me with my life's episode, i will just absorb it, writing stories of my life, one moment at a time. i can't do anything with what life gives...there's nowhere to go but to go on, savor it, live it and then tell it.

one hello

2008-03-28T21:30:00.000-07:00

FOR MY MR. DIMSUM....

ONE HELLO

OR

CLICK HERE TO LISTEN TO MUSIC: ONE HELLO

If you're not afraid

Of what love brings

Then endings are beginning

Of beautiful things

It's a chance you take

A chance you're in

If someone's gonna find you

First you gotta let them in...

CHORUS

(Oh) Coz love begins with one hello

The hardest part is over

So it's easy letting go

One hello, is how it starts

You might win in love

While lose your heart.

If you're not afraid

Of what you feel

Then try and keep it simple

But try and keep it real

And if being real

Means you're someday say goodbye

Remember my friend, that was not the end

It's a circle you know

And it's starts with one hello

(Repeat Chorus except last two lines)

Remember my friend

That was nothing

It's a circle you know

And it starts, it starts with one hello.

It's starts with one hello.

for the girl i once knew

2008-03-21T12:59:00.000-07:00

what has happened to her?
life succumb her.
it drowned her whole.
she forgot where she came from.
she forgot the people around her.
air of ego...
delusions of grandeur...
boastful arrogance...
ungratefulness...
slefishness...
all these evil notions seems to overdrive her.
it gives her powerless power.
does it feel good for her soul?
does it rise in her spirits?
or is it like a illicit drug?
it only brings temporary happiness?
it gives minute lasting comfort?
what happened to her?
that she forgot the people close to her,
that she pushed them away,
the people who were there...
when she had nothing...
when she was a 'nobody'...
what happened to her?
i wish i knew.
because right now, i feel like...
i really didn't know the girl i once knew well.

NOTE; THIS IS A TRUE STORY but i will withhold "her name." but if you're reading this...

dear girl,
through it all, i am not holding any grunges.
i'm weary of defending you,
or standing up for you,
of making you use me.
i'm simply tired.

sorry but debts needs to be paid,
and my chosen life of privy needs to be maintained.

years of friendship, you flushed into the drain just of your pride,
just because you can not admit to yourself you are wrong.
what do you have to lose if you say, "sorry?"
it does not make you less of a person.

i pity you. what have you become?
you've lost your sense of self
that you are willing to sacrifice the strong friendship you've made.
even hurt the feelings of your friends.
you have become numb.

and yet,
i stand here still thinking how things are for you.
i wish and i pray, life treats you good.
despite my anguish, i still pray for your well-being.

and i, i forgive you.
may the Lord protect you.
may the Lord enlighten you.
i wish you well.

len

INCOGNITO

2008-03-04T14:29:00.000-08:00

i'm an unconcealed book. i've been open about engaging my everyday life here (and on my private blogs). in fact, i took the risk to share my unsaid stories with the world wide web and even to the unknown readers of my blogs. i revealed the obscured, disguised "norilen" that only a few of my close friends really know. i've given way for hungry gossip seekers to talk about me, to invade my private life. i've shared my space with people who do not even know me but judged me anyway.

when i decided to become transparent to the world, i, sometimes, i feel like i'm being watched from a closed circuit TV camera. through the information i disclosed here through the pictures, my shout outs and my entries, my once enclosed life of privy suddenly became visible. informations to the next, details of me are unraveled.

for instance, my wide array of piciures might have showed material things i collected and enjoyed. poses with friends and lovedones may have uncovered activities we liked to do together. heck, my hobbies and interests are even enlisted. but above all, my daily blog ramblings attests to who really is the real me.

my unknown mysteries were screened mystically: the many times i loved and got my heart broken, the simple inspiring conquers i made, the untold desires of my soul, the struggle of a fighting spirit, the physical pain of my body. the unseen me was then enigmatically exposed.

as the layers of my covers are peeled off, i felt bare and naked. i am judged from my subtle perplexity, vague decisions, intricately mixed actions of child's and adult's play. i felt i am no longer me. sometimes, i found out also that people from my past found access here just to check how i am doing. sometimes, even taking it to their advantage to ruin me as they tarnished the image i built from hardwork and sweat. sometimes, breaking me into debris again.

for months now, i stayed mum. there were even circumstances that i did not want to go online. and if i did, i hid from the world. the truth is, i realized, it was better that way: that my private life remains private. that sometimes, being under wraps does not necessarily mean selfishness but courageousness because i am protecting myself and the people around me.

the new sly version of me gives me a stealth of freedom and a new sense of normalcy. i don't have to be that open book anymore. i can do things i love and like without any one interferring or invading my space or judging my actions. i can shut my mouth and enjoy what life has to offer without sharing anything.

once again, i decided to succumb back to my secret, puzzling, labyrinth. and really, if i can just describe to you how wonderful it is to have my incognito self once again. being impenetrable and undecipherable makes me powerful. i maybe, incommunicative, but i am communicating the best way i can---in silence. i maybe complicated but yet, i still leave you bewildered and wondering.

2008-02-22T15:41:00.000-08:00

LOVE is being with you

45 things....

2008-02-19T14:32:00.000-08:00

45 things was adopted from cousin hannah. i was reading it after being low profile on friendster for a while. i'd rather keep my private life private. i get to enjoy it that way. anyway, as i was going through the list, i was making a mental check mark on each one if it applies to my "someone special," and as the list go further, i smiled secretly because "mr. dimsum" carries what the 45 things indicated. moreover, he does MORE things for me. i'm so lucky. i can't even tell you how blessed i am.

45 THINGS....

45 things a girl wants but wont ask...

1. Touch her waist.
2. Actually talk to her.
3. Share secrets with her.
4. Give her your jacket.
5. Kiss her slowly.

Are you remembering this?

6. Hug her.
7. Hold her.
8. Laugh with her.
9. Invite her somewhere.
10. Hangout with her and your friendstogether.

KEEP READING...

1 1. Smile with her.
12. Take pictures with her.
13. Pull her onto your lap.
14. When she says she loves you more,deny it.
Fight back.
15. When her friends say i love hermore than you, deny it. fight back andhug her tight so she can't get to herfriends. it makes her feel loved.

Are you thinking of someone?

16. Always hug her and say I love youwhenever you see her.
17. Kiss her unexpectedly.
18. Hug her from behind around thewaist.
19. Tell her she's beautiful.
20. Tell her the way you feel abouther.One last thing you need to do to showher you actually do mean it...
21. Open doors for her, walk her toher car- it makes her feel protected,plus it never hurts to act like agentleman.
2 2. Tell her she's your everything -only if you mean it.
23. If it seems like there issomething wrong, ask her- if shedenies something being wrong, it meansSHE DOESN'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT- sojust hug her
24. Make her feel loved.
25-kiss her in front of OTHER girlsyou know!!!!
*WE MIGHT DENY IT BUT WE ACTUALLY LIKEAND KINDA WANT YOU TO TICKLE US...

26-don't lie to HER.
*27-DON'T cheat on her.
28-take her ANYWHERE she wants
29-txt messege or call her in themorning and tell her have a good dayat work {or school}, and how much youMISS her.
30-be there for her when ever sheneeds you, & even when she doesn'tneed you, just be there so she'll knowthat she can ALWAYS count on you.

*ARE YOU STILL READING THIS? YOU BETTERBECAUSE, IT'S IMPORTANT...

31. Hold her close when she's cold soshe can hold YOU too.
32. When you are ALONE hold her closeand kiss her.*
33. Kiss her on the CHEEK; (it willgive her the hint that you want tokiss her).*
34. While in the movies, put your armaround her and then she willautomaticall y put her head on yourshoulder, then lean in and tilt herchin up and kiss her LIGHTLY.
35. Dont EVER tell her to leave evenjokingly or act like you're mad. Ifshes upset, comfort her.

REMEMBER ALL THESE THINGS...

36. When people DISS her, stand up forher.*
37. Look deep into her EYES and tellher you love her.*
38. Lay down under the STARS and puther head on your chest so she canlisten to the steady beat of yourheart, Link your fingers togetherwhile you whisper to her as she restsher eyes and listens to you.
39. When walking next to each othergrab her HAND.*
40. When you hug her HOLD her in yourarms as long as possible*

MAKE SURE SHE KNOWS SHES LOVED

41. Call or text her at night to wishher SWEET DREAMS*
42. COMFORT her when she cries andwipe away her tears.*
43. Take her for LONG walks at night.
44. ALWAYS Remind her how much youlove her.*
45.sit on top of her and tell her howmuch u love her and then bend down toher face and kiss her while sitting onher.you'll never know when she needs justa lil more love

dawn

2007-12-04T06:47:00.000-08:00

[i slept crying last night. perhaps, life has been a little too harsh on me. but it is okay. i can be anything and i can do anything if i set my heart and mind into accomplishing something. and the miniscule trials i undergo, i can manage to tackle it all. i just need time, focus and my determined faith.

this morning i woke up at 3:44 am. i attempted to go back to sleep. but nothing can make me snooze. i watched as the morning sun rays come alive. the twirps of the birds singing to me on my window. the light beach breeze of the wind flowed through my curtained window.
in my head.

with my eyes closed, i made up a prayer in my head. tears fells from my eyes, and i just prayed. i know, we can't have all the great days. but today can certainly be a good one. ]

My God Alnighty,

in my time of aloneness,

in my days of trials,

if my faith is tested,

if my love is challenged,

BE WITH ME, my Lord.

Remind me,

that no matter how tough the journey is,

that no matter how rough the circumstances are along the way,

that no matter how mean people or how difficult the experiences i'll encounter,

YOU are there.

walking with me,

hand in hand,

in this journey to life.

I might be a little weak right now, Lord.

But I am certain....

with YOU, i can reach great lengths.

with YOU, i can be strong.

with YOU, i can do anything impossible.

So I ask you to guide me, my Lord.

please protect and continue to bless the people I love dearly .

Keep "him"- my dimsum morning - safe, healthy, stressfree

wherever he may be or whatever he may do,

Never get tired of forgiving us, My Lord for our shortcomings.

Thank you for this life and its abundant blessings.

I asked you these in Your MOST Precious name. Amen

sssssilence sssssolitude...

2007-12-04T06:35:00.000-08:00

"ssshhh..."

i shut my loud mouth and let my mind and my heart do all the talking.

awake at 4 am, i talked to myself.

please, make the anger subside.
please, tell the hurt to go away.
please, erase the pain.
please, just forgive.
please, just....
please..JUST LOVE.

i will do that.

but first....

let me have my time to think things through...
i need my moment of solitude and silence to get there...

let me have my space to breath...
i need to vent...life is suffocating me lately.

let me be ME...
i can't be someone who i AM NOT.

let me LOVE ME again..
and i will do the rest.

my EARTHQUAKE

2007-12-04T06:25:00.000-08:00

just when i thought i got the gripped of things,
just when i was getting the hang of it all,
life decides it needs to "shake things up"
gave me my own earth quake.

i tried to hold everything together securely...
...give SO MUCH of myself to "others,"
...deal with life's inevitable stresses and challenges patiently,
...share and not ask anything in return,
...understand things i DO NOT completely understand,
...love with all my heart despite of...[fill in the blanks],

but i guess, sometimes, doing all of it all is just NOT enough.

awake

2007-11-14T02:21:00.000-08:00

my head hurts but my eyes refused to sleep.

sleepiness declined to invade me.

thoughts of you linger in my head.

i didn't want to hang up.

i've been staring at the blank white wall.

i coul not get you out of my mind.

i could not sleep knowing you're not asleep.

i know you forced yourself to snooze.

but i know you're probably wide awake.

wide awake, thinking of me,

worrying, stressing...

missing me...missing us

wishing for things to get better.

i know.

because i feel the same way.

BELIEVE

2007-11-14T02:15:00.000-08:00

[note: i had a disheartening day today while waiting for another doctor's appointment. in between my deep sighs, i was able to scribble some writing, reminding myself to believe and to have hope. i hope it helps you today.]

B E L I E V E

there may be days when you get up in the morning

and things aren't the way you had hoped they would be.

that's when you have to tell yourself that things will get better.

there are times when people disappoint you and let you down.

but those are the times when you must remind yourself

to trust your own judgments and opinions,

to keep your life focused on believing in yourself.

there will be challenges to face and changes to make in your life,

and it is up to you to accept them.

constantly keep yourself headed in the right direction for you.

it may not be easy at times, but in those times of struggle

you will find a stronger sense of who you are.

so when the days come that are filled with frustration and unexpected responsibilities, remember to believe in yourself and all you want your life to be.

because the challenges and changes will only help you t

o find the goals that you know are meant to come true for you.

bottom line is how can you convince people

to believe in you when you can't believe in yourself?

believing is a magic that makes a dream come true.

keep believing. you can do it!

the saga of my heart

2007-11-08T10:16:00.001-08:00

not so long ago, my heart looked like this:

hacked into two,

slashed in the middle.

and easy as that,

it was broken.

my heart was rained upon.

it was cold.

it was hurt.

it was blue.

the painful heart continued to hurt.

the first blow of brokenheartedness

created more damage.

it was torn apart

broken into little pieces.

but i tried my best to glue all the broken pieces back together.

it's a puzzled heart but it's a whole heart nonetheless.

out of nowhere.

unexpected,

another heart joined my lonely heart.

never had i thought

he would bring this heart of mine

life once again.

needless to say, that broken, glued heart,

eventually healed on its own.

it created a collage of many hearts.

many hearts i can share to the world

hopefully,

i can cure their pain...

i can give them hope...

i can make them love...

the same way, one person gave me hope to love again.

::thank you HSQ for loving me =)::

breathless

2007-11-08T10:06:00.001-08:00

floating in the air...

flying like a bird...

butterflies in my stomach...

sweaty palms of my hand...

crazy sexy smile i can't get rid of...

i feel beautiful inside and out...

because you make me.

damn, it took this long to feel this way again.

having you (HSQ) there,

warming the cold nights,

holding my hands tights,

wrapping me in your strong arms,

you're just incredible.

you leave me breathless.

{i'll see you after lunch =)}

spiritual reveries: REVELATION

2007-11-01T12:44:00.000-07:00

"Kung sinuman ay na kay Cristo,
siya'y bago nang nilalang"
2 Corinthians 5:17

Forget the former things;

do not dwell on the past.

See, I am doing a new thing!

Now it springs up;

do you not perceive it?

I am making a way in the desert

and streams in the wasteland."
Isaiah 43:18-19

LORD,
you truly give things to those who patiently wait.

and you give it when we least expected it.

"hsq" said YOU gave ME to him.

what "hsq" doesn't know is that, i prayed for him. =)

i gave HIM to you, Lord,

to serve you and love you like i do.

then wonderful YOU,

you gave him back to me.

unaware,

he was in YOUR plans

to be in my life all through out this strange story.

who would have ever thought of that, really?

for the times, i doubted you

with your plans for me,

please forgive me.

for the times i failed to recognized

your efforts and have sinned

towards other people,

have mercy on me.

mold me, use me, Lord

so i can share your words of wisdom

and awesome LOVE to others who needs you.

what can i say?
ang galing mo talaga, Lord.
you're simply amazing!

and i thank you.
THANK YOU, my Lord.

::LUCKY DAY::

2007-10-28T14:17:00.000-07:00

he tells me,

"it's fine. spend time with friends and lovedones.."

and i tell him,

" i just want to be there with you."

last night while in company of great friends,
there isn't a place i would rather be,
but to be in his arms.

while there, i thought of him.

(he showed up in my house an hour before i head out "just" to see me)

while there, i longed for him to call.

(although i forgot my cellphone in my car and the valet driver parked my car already)

while there, i missed his hugs.

(it was cold last night and only his hugs can warm the night)

so knowing the insanely crazy me,

as soon as i got off to see my friends,

i stepped on the accelarotor and rushed to the nearest freeway,

grabbed my cell,

i rung him up,

"i am on the way...."

he asked, "on the way were?"

happily, i responded, "on the way to you!"

nothing can compare to that"butterlies-in-your-stomach" feeling

of seeing him there,

eagerly waiting for me,

wearing his biggest smile,

getting his warmest tightest hug.

he told me earlier that day, he wanted to be with me,

because in chinese calendar, it was a "lucky" day to be married.

then it should be his lucky day to be with me solo (he he he).

but i was caught up with so much activities prior to being with him.

initially,i intended to stay a little bit.

in fact i said: 15 minutes.

it was late at night.

i ended up staying one hour, thirty five minutes.

i left him there couple past midnight.

though it was cloudy and gloomy,

though it rained a little bit,

though we argued a earlier,

though i was busy with errands and friends earlier,

though i was not able to join him at his boss' son's wedding,

through all the whirlwind,

i think about it,

yes, perhaps, he was right.

that day, october 27, 2007

was a LUCKY DAY.

on my drive home,
coincidentally, it was full moon,

i was now wearing the smile,

in fact, i can't help but smile.

UNexpected

2007-10-25T13:54:00.000-07:00

you ever got tired of praying for

someone somewhere who is just worth it to be with?

well, i prayed for that numerous times in my lifetime.

how many instances has it been when i just say,

"please, Lord...no more heartbreaks. give me someone who will take care of me. "

but lately, when i never thought in my wildest dream,

i would bump into someone who loves me more than i could ever imagine.

he is so great...

i'm often left in awe and amazement...

often,

he leaves me breathless and speechless.

beach walks at night...
holding my sweaty hands...
dimsum mornings...
telling me I am GOD sent to him...

what he does not know is i prayed for him.

"he" is the one GOD sent to me.

though it is too soon to foresee what the future holds,

i know one thing for sure, for now, "he" is for keeps.

dimsum

2007-10-21T14:01:00.000-07:00

dim sum early in the morning is great.

but being with you is even better .

SLOW DANCE

2007-10-17T18:35:00.000-07:00

SLOW DANCE

Have you ever watched kids

On a merry-go-round?

Or listened to the rain

Slapping on the ground?

Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight?

Or gazed at the sun into the fading night?

You better slow down.

Don't dance so fast.

Time is short.

The music won't last.

Do you run through each day

On the fly?

When you ask

How are you?

Do you hear the reply?

When the day is done

Do you lie in your bed

With the next hundred chores

Running through your head?

You'd better slow down

Don't dance so fast.

Time is short.

The music won't last.

Ever told your child,

We'll do it tomorrow?

And in your haste,

Not see his sorrow?

Ever lost touch,

Let a good friendship die

Cause you never had time

To call and say,' Hi'

You'd better slow down.

Don't dance so fast.

Time is short.

The music won't last.

When you run so fast to get somewhere

You miss half the fun of getting there.

When you worry and hurry through your day,

It is like an unopened gift..

Thrown away.

Life is not a race.

Do take it slower

Hear the music

Before the song is over....

flirt

2007-10-17T07:36:00.001-07:00

["papie" above]

so it's been about three weeks going on a month...

that's why i don't want to talk to him.

because he flirts too much.

and apparently, i found out, he calls everyone, "sweetie," too.

so he said he will be in town on the 27th of this month.

right now, i don't care.

text me all you want.

call me all you want.

i won't respond.

i can't be on the same level as the females in your life you flirt with.

i want to be in a pedestal.

2007-10-14T00:20:00.000-07:00

Blank.

Just a moment of utter silence.

I feel an anvil pressed against my chest

and I feel nothing.

But I know its weight.

But it is just blank.

STAND STILL...

2007-10-13T23:26:00.000-07:00

daily demands and stresses are taking its toll on me.
i wanted a place of quietude,
my own personal slumber.
i found my tranquil here this weekend.
calming lull...
moment of somnolence...
my forty wink...
where everything just stand still.
let me share this dreaminess with you.

::on the way to big bear at highway 330 after

the conquering the southern cali thunder storm::

:: leaving LA at 4 am, the sun rise at big bear lake

meets me with welcoming rays::

::waking up to this breathtaking view::

:: big bear rain in the forest::

::autumn in big bear::

::mountain road::

::mountain view of the cabin::

::UNTIL my NEXT ADVENTURE::

SPIRITUAL REVERIES: WAITING

2007-10-13T00:45:00.000-07:00

Waiting

Desperately, helplessly, longing, I cried.

Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.

I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate,

The Master gently said, “Child, you must wait!”

“Wait? You say, wait!” my indignant reply.

“Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!

Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?

By FAITH I have asked and am claiming your Word.

“My future and all to which I can relate

Hangs in the balance, and you tell me to WAIT?

I’m needing a ‘yes’, a go-ahead sign,

Or even a ‘no’ to which I can resign.

“And, Lord, you promised that if we believe

We need but to ask, and we shall receive.

Lord, I’ve been asking and this is my cry:

I’m weary of asking! I need a reply!”

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate.

Once again my Master replied, “You must wait.”

So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,

And I grumbled to God, “So, I’m waiting… for what?”

He seemed then to kneel, and his eyes wept with mine,

And he tenderly said, “I could give you a sign.

I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.

I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.

All you seek I could give, and pleased you would be.

You would have what you want –

But you wouldn’t know ME.

“You’d not know the depth of my love for each saint.

You’d not know the power that I give to the faint;

You’d not learn to see through the clouds of despair;

You’d not learn to trust just by knowing I’m there.

You’d not know the joy of resting in me

When darkness and silence were all you could see.

“You’d never experience that fullness of love

As the peace of my Spirit descends like a dove;

You’d know that I give and I save… (for a start),

But you’d not know the depth of the beat of my heart.

“The glow of my comfort late into the night.

The faith that I give when you walk without sight.

The depth that’s beyond getting just what you asked

Of an infinite God, who makes what you have LAST.

“You’d never know, should your pain quickly flee,

What it means that ‘My grace is sufficient for thee.’

Yes, your dreams for your loved ones overnight would come true,

But, oh, the loss! If I lost what I’m doing in you!

“So be silent, my child, and in time you will see

THAT THE GREATEST OF GIFTS IS TO GET TO KNOW ME.

And though oft my answers may seem terribly late,

My wisest of answers is still but to WAIT."

PRAYER:

Lord, With all the trials we encounter, with all the disheartening heartbreaks, with all the uncarried plans, with the irritating questions of "when, Lord?," and with your many answers of "just WAIT, my child, " i know you have better plans for us . i know behind these unavoided turmoil, you've laid well deserved victories for us in the end. You gave these trials to us so you can see how deep our faith is for you, my Lord. We know that whatever obstacles you put us in, we can maneauver out of it because YOU are there to guide and protect us. Forgive all our shortcomings as we forgive those who sinned against us. Shower us with your mercy and grace. We asked you these in your most precious name, AMEN.

fun femme fatale

2007-10-10T18:14:00.000-07:00

sometimes, being labeled, " party girl" brings difficult situational dilemmas. i don't consider myself one at all. i think, for me, i often jsut bring that "image" to people buit i am really NOT what they assumed me to be. often times, i don't know if i am doing or saying things right when the incident calls for it...

like for an instance.....

...two weeks ago, a handsome guy i just met at a bar invited me to an afterparty. i politely refused because i felt i did not know him well enough to go. but i did give him my number.

...months ago, when we had a bachelorette's celebration/bridal shower and we were well - equipped with males strip dancers, i found myself sipping martini, chatting with friends, and getting a "sexy" lap dance from the guy (even had evidence from it - heheh).

...my exguy planned a camping trip and asked me if i wanted to go, and i responded, "as long as there are tons of s'mores and loads of scary stories, here i come!"

...one of my guy friend/admirer? described me to his friend, and he mentioned, "she's great!-gets along with everyone!"

i'm not what the predominant assuming people think i am. i'm not egotistical nor bombastic at all. i just have a set standards to having a great time. i live to the max, yet, i also know when to step on the breaks.

i'm not here to swagger. i guess, i jibed well with everyone because i'm quite relaxed, i'm engaging, and most of the times, i don't take myself seriously when i am out.

besides, i can drink a round of tequila shots but i also have a sober driver waiting for me when i am too tipsy to even walk. i have had so many countless adventures that i often have an interesting story to share.

i tend to attract a crowd when i am not afraid of making fun of myself , bursting in laughter as i blurt out the corniest jokes in my pocket. heheh

but in all modesty, all these and probably more, makes me a blast to be around.

existence

2007-10-10T03:26:00.000-07:00

before i went on hibernation last weekend, i squeezed in a lunch date with sexy sini during her lunch break. let me remind everyone i haven't had any meat in my body in months after deciding to be low carb, partial vegetarian! so i begged sini to go to a sushi bar just so i can have sushi or some kind of fish. well, so we both ordered a bento tray and a generous sushi selection ( i did not finish any of the sushi - i had one or two of each and i was about to puke my brains out).

in that intersection of hollywood boulevard and vermont avenue, for her one hour lunch break, we shared endless laughters and memorable conversations of love, life and friendships. even squeezed in a little shopping for a necklace. it's been 15 years since i knew her and not a single thing change.

[sushi selection]

[japanese bento tray]

weekend came and i, i sort of, well, i went into hiding...except that i did spend some time with people from church to go watch the pacquiao-barrera fight. i lost my voice screaming my butt off that night.

determined, after that, i ditched my regular "saturday-night-gimikera-party-gal" image to "i-will-be-low-profile-&i'll-be-off-someWHERE-tranquilizing" to unstress my weary mind, body and soul. with cellphones turned off and ipod blasting in my car, i just drove off.

and there, at that undisclosed location, i attempted to rejuvenate my eahausted self from the cares of the world. and it has never been more filling to just enjoy such animosity.

when i opened my quiet cell as monday morning approached, it was overflowing with voice messages and gazillion texts..most of which i deleted. i filtered the messages and selected only a very few for a call back. well, in fact, i only called one person, kuya arthur because i knew he needed me after leaving me array of detailed texts and voice messages ( take note: he often leaves me just one message so i knew it was an emergency situation).

it turned out i was right. upon meeting him, we dived into discussing his problems. we figured out some kind of solution to his dilemma. knowing him when he's stressed out, he always asked me to eat out after. i think that was his own way of destressing himself. as always, he made to decide where to eat out. and we ended up here.

[korean barbeque and the generous "bancha" - appetizer]

["galbi" - marinated beef on the grill]

being partial vegetarian, i declined on the fat slabs of korean steaks (although, i was itching to try it. ) i ordered their vegetarian "bibimbap" ( with mushroom, spinach, bean sprouts, carrots, bean jelly, spinach and dried nori flakes on a bed -" furikake" in japanese on abed of sticky rice - i had three big bites of the rice and that was it!) but they still had some chopped beef on my clay bowl. so i just took it out.

while i watched kuya enjoy his thrid korean barbeque meal with me, he gave me a lecture why i'm so crazy, not showing my face, not returning his calls, and now, not eating meat at all..(that's his typical self ---lecture here and there...) and i just gobbled up on my freshly made bibimbap, green salad with peacan, and fried tofu (my version of meat for three months now).

[korean BIBIMBAP]

[FRIED TOFU]

[green salad with peacans]

but beyond the great food, i'm grateful for the gracious company of my friends who constantly worry about me. they knew me so well that when i decided i would be "gone" for couple for days, they talked among themselves who was going to take me out on what day JUST because...i knew also that they thought i was probably in surgery to be that awfully quiet and distant.

people asked me where do i obtain my amazing strength. well, of course, my faith allows me to replenish strength when i'm weary. but my family and friends multiplies that God given courage when they are with me and believing in me. and this difficult path to battling life has been triumphant for me because i am surrounded with amazing people who refuse to give me up especially on the most challenging, mind boggling stage of healing.

i am humbly appeciative.

i realized, i'm so fortunate.

thankful that i am super blessed.

i exist...i am here..

i will live and enjoy each day of life...for them.

they make it worth living.

INDOLENCE

2007-10-08T23:34:00.000-07:00

the past weekend,

i literally turned off my cell.

i unhooked the phone jack from my land line.

i know people grew worried that i decided, i'll be INVISIBLE for two days.

despite the many treatments done, my health condition is not up to par and i have to embark in another trial.

i hungered to be A L O N E even just for couple hours.

i itched for some breathing space.

i lusted for just a little IDLE time.

to think things through...

to refocus my strength...

to find my bravery...

to conquer this wild storm...again.

*sigH*

today, despite the hundreds of texts and phonecalls i needed to return, i felt much better...

ready to face the battles ahead again head on...even if i'm tackling it all alone.

2252

2007-10-04T20:07:00.001-07:00

how many heartfelt handwritten letters have we written to each other?

how many minutes have we spent in our all nighter phone conversations?

how many endless laughters have we shared?

how many instances have i called you,"crazy?" and you call me, "hey girl?"

how many miles have we travelled together to and from?

how many times will i hear stories about you from your own mother?

how many moments have i stared at your eyes from the rear view mirror?

how many incidents have i watched you walk away or drive off?

how many favors have you asked of me that i did not fulfill?

how many times did you come back to my life each time we drift into silence?

i don't remember the every accurate occurances of each moment i spent my life with you.

i just know know one thing...

it's been 2, 252 days since i let you enter my life.

and i haven' been myself since.

i guess, i'm still counting.

SOMEDAY...my prince will come

2007-10-02T02:24:00.000-07:00

A message from God:

"No man will ever claim you unless he claims you from me. I have reserved a man for you, who has my heart and loves me even more than he will you. I won't give you unless he asks you from me.

He's asleep, don't wake him, he's busy for me and my kingdom. Soon you will know him, but I have the perfect time.

You are my princess, my daughter. Let no prince claim you unless he asks you from my hand. For I am your Father, the King of Kings.

You, my princess are worth waiting for."

"I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am."
-John 14:3

Someday my Prince will come.

ginhawa

2007-09-29T23:27:00.000-07:00

kaya ko naman, Lord.
kaya ko pang magtiis sa hirap.
kaya ko pang labanan ang pait.
kaya ko pang tumayo sa bagyo ng buhay.
kaya ko pang ibigay lahat sa mga kapatid ko.
kaya ko pang tulungan ang nanay at tatay ko.
kaya ko pang magbigay sa kapwa ko.
kaya ko pang makinig sa mga kaibigan ko.
kaya ko pang bumangon sa pagkadapa.
kaya ko pang hilumin ang malalim na sugat ng puso.
kaya ko pa sigurong magmahal kahit ilang beses na nasaktan.
kaya ko pang gunapang kahit hirap na sa paglakad.
kaya ko pa, Lord...
pero sa kabila ng mga unos na ito, Panginoon ko,
samahan niyo ako sa bawat pagtahak ko ng pagsubok,
lantaran niyo ako ng ilaw sa mga araw na madilim,
bigyan niyo ako ng ginhawa sa mga araw na nawawalan ako ng pag-asa.
kaya ko pa, Lord...
basta, huwag niyo lang ako iiwan.
kaya ko pa, Lord....
dahil nandiyan ka sa buhay ko.

dear boy....

2007-09-29T23:13:00.000-07:00

to the boy who calls me 'PRINCESS' (you know who you are)

i wonder if you're here in LA.

i received your last missive.

and i'm still counting on your promise of a wonderful time.

see you soon.

<3,>

UNSENT: flower giver

2007-09-27T23:48:00.000-07:00

dear flower giver,

for the first time in years, red roses comes my way. and should i say, i'm flattered. and it could not have come in a better timing when i felt like the world collapsed on me again ( and you did not even know about it).

i'm seeking for the proper words to describe my feelings. i guess, in your weirdest ways, you still show you cared despite the long silence and absence. and for more stranger reasons, i am grateful you even remembered me especially at the most difficult times of my life.

i just hope you remember me more than the times you did not thought of me. because, more than words will ever say, i secretly missed you, too.

<3,>

len

STRENGTH

2007-09-26T00:06:00.000-07:00

S T R E N G T H

my faith is tested once again. and truth is, my strength can only take me so much. every day, my exhausted mind, body, and soul are just draining with weakness. and seriously, i am T - I - R - E - D. but my Lord, i know, these trials that you give me are challenges to my strength. and i will face it all head on, and i will fight this battle to be strong. but my Lord, equipped me with added power to conquer it all. i leave it all in your grace and mercy. i KNOW...you will see me victorious in the end.

fear not,

for I am with you;

be not dismayed,

for I am your God;

I will strengthen you,

I will help you,

I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Isaiah 41:10

28 Do you not know?

Have you not heard?

The LORD is the everlasting God,

the Creator of the ends of the earth.

He will not grow tired or weary,

and his understanding no one can fathom.

29 He gives strength to the weary

and increases the power of the weak.

30 Even youths grow tired and weary,

and young men stumble and fall;

31 but those who hope in the LORD

will renew their strength.

They will soar on wings like eagles;

they will run and not grow weary,

they will walk and not be faint.

Isaiah 40:28-31

9 But he said to me,

“My grace is sufficient for you,

for my power is made perfect in weakness.”

Therefore I will boast all the more gladly

of my weaknesses,

so that the power of

Christ may rest upon me.

10 For the sake of Christ,

then, I am content with weaknesses,

insults, hardships,

persecutions, and calamities.

For when I am weak,

then I am strong.

2 Corinthians 12:9-10

MY PRAYER:
14 For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, 15 from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named, 16 that according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in your inner being, 17 so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith—that you, being rooted and grounded in love, 18 may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, 19 and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God.

—Ephesians 3:14-19

LOVE LINES....

2007-09-25T01:24:00.000-07:00

i don't know if you're like me. but when i watched sappy movies, i usually remember my favorite lovelines from the movies. these are just some of them.

"if you love someone you say it,

you say it right then,

out loud,

or the moment just... passes you by."

my best friend's wedding

"if you ever want something badly,

let it go.

if it comes back to you,

then it's yours forever.

if it doesn't,

then it was never yours to begin with."

indecent proposal

william:

"i live in notting hill. you live in beverly hills.

everyone in the world knows who you are."

anna:

"i'm also just a girl,

standing infront of a boy asking him to love her."

notting hill

"i don't want to need you,

'cause i can't have you."

the bridges of madison county

caroline:

"you love with your heart and soul, not your heart."

adam:

(touching his chest)

"then how come i hurt here when you're not with me?"

untamed heart

jerry:

"i love you.

you...complete me."

dorothy:

"shut up....

just shut up.

you had me at hello...

you had me at hello.."

jerry mcguire

"look, i guarantee that we'll have tough times.

and i guarantee that at some point,

one or both if us will want to get out of this thing.

but i also guarantee that if i don't ask you to be mine

i'll regret this for the rest of my life.

because i know in my heart.

you're the only one for me."

runaway bride

"the greatest thing you'll ever learn

is just to love

and be loved in return.."

moulin rouge

"it's not because i'm lonely.

and it's not because its new year's eve.

i came here tonight because

when you realize you have

to spend the rest of your life

with somebody,

you want the rest of your life

to start as soon as possible."

when harry met sally

[and my all time favorite]

" do you love me?"

"i love you so much...it hurts."

up close and personal

daggers in my heart

2007-09-25T01:21:00.000-07:00

i must have read it a million times, perhaps. i'm rereading it again.i've watched the movie ( an d hannah gave it to me recently as a birthday gift). albert and i used to watch it over and over. he even lost my sister noreene's dvd. but he did replace it with a new one. now, i decided to read it again: the notebook by nicholas sparks. and no matter how many times, i read it...it still puts a dagger in my heart. i still cry.

"...they didn't agree on much...

in fact they didn't agree on anything...

they fought all the time,

and they challenged each other everyday...

but despite their differences,

they had one important thing in common......

they were crazy about each other..."
- the notebook

[truth is, it reminds me so much of me and ron.

up to this day, this is how our relationship goes.

maybe, that's why i am hooked to the book

because i can relate. =(]

tinik

2007-09-23T00:23:00.000-07:00

mahapdi ang tinik sa aking dibdib

sa bawat pagdiin ng mga palad ko

sa pagbura sa bakas sa aking mga bisig

mga bahid ng sakit sa paglalakbay

sa madawag na daan, landas sa kabundukan

ng mapagbirong larangan ng pag-ibig.

habang lumalabo ang tinahak na landas

palayo nang palayo sa aking pag-usad

pilit tinatalikuran ang higanteng lumipas

nililinis mga tinik, mantsang di kumupas;

ngunit malalim ang anyong bumakas,

binabalikan ng diwa, binubura ng isip.

maliksi, aninong nakihalubilo, nakisabay ako

sa kanyang mga hakbang, pagsayaw sa mundo,

hanggang ako'y mawala sa sarili at ritmo,

ng hindi mawawaang balat

kayo ng anino,

malabo ang galaw ngunit binigyan ko ng wisyo

gawagawa kong larawan, ang minimithi ko.

nakakapagod ng maghintay, alam ko ang huling

unit anyong makiakbay, hanggang sa dulo..

hanggang luhaan, mabilis, dumalang, ang pagdaloy ng luha sa bisig,

tinig ko na paos,

bulong ay humina, di matawag ang sinisinta,

di masambit, kahit na nakatarak sa abang dibdib.

bakit di mo dininig tunay na pananalita ng puso?

bakit ngayong ayoko ng marinig ang tinig mo,

ika'y pilit na bumubalik?

sa tahimik ko ng mundong akala ko'i iniwan mo na?

ngunit bakit kabaligtaran,

parang walang pag-asa nating magkasama?

bakit pinalaki ang bubot na nating kasaysayan?

bakit ngayon lang kung kelan ako ay lumalarga nang mag-isa?

salawahan ka...

pinabayaan mo lang ang ating pag-ibig.

babalik ka, lilitaw ka, tapos lalayo ka ka rin pala?

pagmamahal pa ba ang turing mo doon?

mapagbiro pala talaga ang ating tadhana.
damdamin ko nga'y napariwara na sa iba.

mapaglaro kasi ang ating puso...
ang pagmamahal pa ba'y meron pa bang hihinatnan?

at ang ating puso...

hindi alam kung saan pupunta.

kung saan dadamay.
pero sa tutoo lang, ako'y pagod na, mahal ko.

ang puso kong ito'y takot na sa mga panata mo.

TRANSFORMATION

2007-09-21T00:47:00.001-07:00

when i was in the car with mom, she often lectures me about humility:to be humble of my achievements , to set my foot planted on the ground and not to allow my head to get big. she insists being humble harvest rewards in the end because karma is evident. it can hit you when you least expected it. so, you reap what you sow. when you're nice, you reap kindness and respect from other people. what mom does not know is thatshe taught me that lesson long time ago. i remained humble. i am still the same person: that little girl who grew up near the market in the philippines and mingled with the poor, the girl who witnessed her hard work along with papa's effort, too, just to give us the best education, and i'm still the little girl who still discovering herself and attaining her goals humbly.

i've been trying to incorporate one to two hours daily walks with ariel every day. i also attempted to perform light exercises as i can't exert too much pressure on my left foot and ankle and right shoulder yet. i have also switched to vegetarian meals now for about two months and as difficult as it is, i hardly eat rice now a days. i only drink water or 100% natural juices. i also gave up coffee and soda, mind you. well, all my pants are getting loose now. when i wear my body hugging clothes, my evident curves are showing. and now, i get comments like "vavavoom" or "DDG" (stands for drop dead gorgeous) from my friends. it's such a inspiringly flattery gesture.

and the herd of men are flocking in. some caught my choosy interest. but i am no longer the lady who dated every men she met or got hooked up with. my god, have i grown picky with my choices of men?! no more gangsters, no more ghetto, slang talking guys, no more guys who can't spell a word, no more guys who does not love their family, no more men who are not close to the Lord ...well yeah, you might have pictured my list. my strict list of standards now have sclaed up on a higher level now. that explains why i am still single. but it is perfectly okay as it is my task to choose who i think is right for me. he he he.

these strange journey of transformation came by surprise. but one that i am embracing with open arms. i know there are many more to come. and i do welcome the little steps but obviosuly drastic change.

who knows? i'll just shock everybody else later on. i'll keep you posted. =)

missing...

2007-09-19T01:41:00.000-07:00

i usually see the sparkling moon shining brightly above the skies when i walk ariel. the twinkling stars around it makes it even more stunning. in my days of stress, it has been part of my destressing medium.

i particularly needed to unstress today. the elongated lists of doctors' appointments are overwhelming. undergoing the medical tests are even scarier( such has having your nerves electricuted or spending two to three hours of your day stuck in a closed suffocating MRI machinein freezing temperature is tediously tiring ) what's the worse part of it all? not knowing what the next diagnosis for me after all these battery tests are exhausting.

to add to that the misery of love life, the hopes of people who come and go, the array of men that your friends "hook you up" with, the exes who attempts to win you back...and here i am, i just can;t get over the pain of a broken heart. and how i wish i can just completely heal.

i walked ariel late tonight. it was around 11 pm already. as usual, i attached the ipod earphones to my ear, blasting with my favorite tunes and endured my daily stroll with my dog. and as usual, i was mesmerized of how clear the sky was. my stars twinkled brightly. but my moon was nowhere to be seen tonight. it might have been covered by the hazy clouds above me. and it felt incomplete.

as i walked around my block, and the cold breezy wind chilled my face, i once again felt so empty. with my arms wrapped around me to warm me from cold, i walked there feeling bare. here i am, i might have almost all the luxury that many asked for but....i am incomplete.

after the routined walk around the block, i felt weirdly puzzled. maybe like the missing moon, there are several things that are missing in my life. and everyday, the same way, i almost twisted my neck, looking where i could find the moon, i search for that missing link.

maybe sometimes, we need not to seek for it. it will just come naturally. like for instance, eventhough, the moon is not visibly present in my sight tonight, i know it is there and it will continue to protect me every night.

maybe, i need not to search what i am looking for or what i think is missing in my life. in its proper time, it will show up like the moon that was missing tonight.

and i'll just wait. i will patiently wait.

my s i l e n t r e v e r i e s

WHY?

Notice Me

YOU GOTTA BE..

Isama mo ako / đưa tôi với bạn /Take me with you

The Ending.

BOW THE KNEE

THEIR ANGEL

Unsent: CHASING GAME

STATUS

WHEN SHE CRIES...

WITHOUT YOU....

LETTERS TO MY LOVE: missed call

TWO CANDLES

LETTERS TO MY LOVE: tears

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO THE LOVE OF MY LIFE

TRUE ROMANCE

NEXT EPISODE

BLANK PAGE

THE SEWING MACHINE

LETTER TO THE LOVE OF MY LIFE

I'm back...

THE BIKE

COUNT

RICH or POOR

I saw that we have a dog at home,

and they have four.

We have a pool that reaches

to the middle of the garden,

they have a creek that has no end.

We have imported lamps in the garden,

they have the stars.

Our patio reaches to the front yard,

they have a whole horizon."

His son added,

"Thanks Dad for showing me how poor we are!"

Isn't it true that ...

it all depends on the way you look at things?

the fence

bamboo tree

rays of hope

what matters most

i'll never get over you

SPIRITUAL REVERIES: sand and stones

HOT CHOCOLATE

SPIRITUAL REVERIES: The Power of YOUR Love

THE DEVIL'S ADVOCATE

"HANGGANG"

my revenge

Psalm 139

For the director of music. Of David. A psalm.

november rain

THE KNIFE

STANDSTILL HUSH

STAND BY ME

DEBRIS

thorns....

pillow

QUEEN

YIN YANG

tissue box

the things i do for LOVE

WILL OF THE WIND

tea bags,,,cast me not..from the ONE LEGGED ANGEL

THANK YOU....straight from the STUBBORN PATIENT

EPISODES

one hello

for the girl i once knew

POST A COMMENT

INCOGNITO

45 things....

dawn

sssssilence sssssolitude...

my EARTHQUAKE

awake

BELIEVE

the saga of my heart

breathless

spiritual reveries: REVELATION

::LUCKY DAY::